Release The Sanity

2008-11-09T21:30:00.002-06:00

Wow, I actually forgot about this blog. Quite a bit of serious personal stuff on here. I don't think I've visited this site since 2006 but tonight I got a comment on an old post.

I feel the need to update briefly.

This blog was created to help me vent/cope about a grave situation my son was in. He was diagnosed with a very serious mental disorder by THE MENNINGER CLINIC of HOUSTON. Considered one of the best places in the country. Come to find out THEY WERE WRONG.

It's been two years my son quit taking the pills they gave him within a month of leaving Meninngers. Menningers told me that if he didn't continue the pills he would either die, end up in a mental institution or be in jail. NONE of that has happened. Let me tell you what HAS happened in the last two years since IGNORING Menningers PROFESSIONAL help. My son has gotten his drivers liscense. He has gotten a job and maintained it. He has graduated "with honors" from high school. He has maintained a relationship with his girlfriend for 1.5 years. They recently mutually decided to break ties considering he was going to be going to college in Madison. He is now in college. He is now living on his own in his own apartment. He has gotten a new job. And, lastly but certainly the most important, he is healthy, happy and KNOWS HE'S NORMAL AND THAT MENNINGERS DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT.

I could have made this post so long but the effect this has had on myself and my family is far deeper than anyone could understand.

Anyway, I just figured if someone was reading this blog they would want to know what ever happened to my son.

Oh, and one last thing. Menninger was suppose to call us for a 6 month follow up report once he left. They never bothered so they don't know and I would assume by their follow up care they DON'T care either. They already got their 200,000.00

I promise my other posts won't be so hostile. lol

2006-06-12T04:01:00.000-05:00

I'm tired so I'll just post what I wrote on myspace. Here's my updated blog entry. LOL

STEELBRIDGE SONGFEST 2 in Door County
Current mood: tired

So it's been sometime since I've written for those who do have interest in my blogs I apologize. I've been letting life take me over.

I feel inspired today to write. Mainly due to the fact that I spent the weekend with a ton of aspiring and accomplished musicians. I took my son and his drummer, Forest, to the Steelbridge Songwriting Fest in Door County. Hosted by Pat MacDonald and a lot of work by Chris Aaron. What an incredible experience. I spend 2 days jumping from bar to bar and each place had excellent music to experience, most of the audience were other musicians so the conversation around the table was fantastic. I'm always amazed at how friendly, open and giving of their knowledge musicians are to one another.

Here I was hanging with two teenagers who really didn't want to be seen with someone with the label "Mom" and yet I had no problem making new friends and socializing til we hours of the morning each night. By the end of the weekend I think my son had a new respect for me, largely due to a wonderful musician named Pauli Ryan. Mom's gotta be okay if she knows someone as cool as Pauli. LOL We ran into Pauli on our last night at 2 a.m. I knew Pauli from years ago and he offered to hear my son, B, play. Here we are in a little cafe and B is wailing on the guitar playing his heart out for Pauli, my son gets to a part in his song and I see a huge smile grow on Pauli's face, he was diggin it. It was so awesome for my son to play for someone he respects and get such positive feedback from. Pauli kept saying, "do another" which only encouraged B more. Two hours later and a few pointers later we say our good-byes. Only to feel the exhaustion was completely worth it. "It's all about dynamics, if you can't give someone a boner or get laid why even bother doing it." "Play simple-dumb" "Give him that beat, do it for him, if you can't you're out of the band." and my last favorite quote of our visit with Pauli... "Shit, I dropped my plate of eggs." oh and, "Forest, you have a new seat now." lmao

Anyway, B played about 5 songs for a group of people in Pudgy's Cafe. He was about to puke beforehand. It's really different to play for a group of people verses a group of musicians. But, something changed for him. He went to the car, tweeked his songs for two nerve racking hours and pulled something new out of himself. He did AWESOME. Originally, he was to do two songs and they had him come back on later in the evening and do 3 more. Forest played for one of the songs, his first time playing for people. I don't know if he puked before or after the set. LOL

All in all it was a great weekend. Except for the part where I "felt" I had to defend my son against some drunk who cornered him in the bathroom our first night there. B comes up to me and says,"wow, some guy just threatened to beat me up and was asking me about drugs in the bathroom" I find out it's a 30 plus year old guy who did this. I, of course, feel this cave day maturnal mamma bear instinct rise in my blood and confront the guy. The whole bar was silent and I reamed this guy with my verbal wrath. Then the guy says," look at my shirt ( which had volunteer firefighter in it) , I'm a good guy, I was just trying to help him and bring him to my world" That's about when I started to shake and really let the guy have it. Two other guys tell the jackalope to leave and he does. At the time I felt quite justified but later I was embarassed for the scene but to tell you the truth if a grown man ever cornered my kid in a bathroom and threatened to beat them up again I'd probably do the exact same thing. Come to find out 3 other guys came up to me and told me they had problems with the drunk earlier also, so I wasn't the only one who was fed up with the guy.

Anyone who's into music I can't stress enough to get to the Steelbridge Songfest 3 next year. 60 bands, playing for 3 days in 6 bars around town, great concert with tons of big names and everyone treating each other like family. It's a great time. I know I will be there next year.

I'd like to thank Chris Aaron for involving me. Pauli for inspiring my son and taking so much time to talk with my son. Pat MacDonald for pulling off a very complex intense 3 day, which is a dream for aspiring musicians. And, Forest, for being such a good friend and helping support B when his nerves were filling our car with anxiety. LOL

Two cool pieces of Driftwood as a memory of our exciting eventful weekend wait to be put up in the basement. Forest you were hilarous trying to carry that to the car while talking to your mom on your cell. "Whattttttttttttttt? I can't talk right now. Whatttttttttttttttt? aaaaaaahhhhhuuuuuugggggggg"

Currently listening:
Pat MacDonald Sleeps With His Guitar
By Pat MacDonald
Release date: By 20 May, 1997

2006-04-30T10:28:00.000-05:00

I'll start posting more in this. Just haven't been up to it lately.

I had a great time with all of you on Tues. So many laughs with you guys.

Meghan had her school play for the last three nights, I went to two of them. Brandon just wrote a new song this weekend. Different than his other stuff, it's pretty cool. Trinity is just being cute little Trinity. And the new addition to family, Storm, is doing well but she's only gained one pound since we've had her. I brought her to the vet twice and now she's on some meds. We'll see if those help. No clue why she isn't gaining weight. But, she's happy as can be here.

"I'm telling you it's the whiskey."

2006-02-05T13:15:00.000-06:00

I'm the one holding the umbrella, why do I do this?

2006-02-02T13:47:00.000-06:00

Awww, a fine lady has finally settled you down. I must meet this woman!

2006-02-02T13:46:00.000-06:00

One of these fits but not with the other. HeHe

2006-01-31T09:12:00.000-06:00

When I first opened this blog I said I wanted to do a tribute page to John Lennon. I will be adding material to this post in the future.

When people ask me why I love John so much my mind and emotions immediately flood with a zillion things that I wish I could express to convey the impact his very image instills on me. But, by the time I am done with this tribute it will be easy to see. It's amazing to me how one person can have such an impact on a stranger's complete life. And to me, that is John Lennon's magic.

2006-01-26T14:57:00.000-06:00

"Living is easy with eyes closed" John Lennon

I'm beginnning to open my eyes.

2006-01-26T14:56:00.000-06:00

Trivia- How did AC/DC get their name?

2006-01-21T08:57:00.000-06:00

Today is T Day. On T Day we do everything T wants to do. This usually involves her picking out our meals, a trip to ToysRUs for one toy, a movie or Air It Up, pretty much anything we need to decide for the day as a family T gets the final word.

I'm not quite sure how I got suckered into having T Day once a month but it sure does excite her. Yesterday, all day, we kept hearing, "I can't wait for T Day." Repeatedly.

Dave came over yesterday to help fix B's and my computer. He didn't get very far since there were many phone calls and guitar playing sessions. But, the sincere effort was there. lol In all fairness, these computers are really messed up it will probably take awhile to get them back in order. Swimming through my messy desk didn't help matters. And, Dave jamming with the boys really made them happy.

You know what really ticks me off? I bought a Dell with a 4 year support attached to it. Dell is suppose to make a house call for free if they can't fix the problem over the phone. This happened where they couldn't fix it over the phone so you know what their answer was? They will will do a complete computer restore over the phone. Meaning they swipe everything and start over with the computer. This really made me mad. I can't imagine saving EVERYTHING on here onto CDs. I said forget it. So basically, they DON'T come to your home they just blank your computer conviently over the phone.

*Putting a tiara on Trinity's head.* I'm off for an advernterous day.

2006-01-19T12:25:00.000-06:00

M had a mishap at school. She was running down these wide stairs in the auditorium by the stage for band and her feet twisted up and she fell. She's okay, just a bruise on her knee. I can totally see her running like a spaz and making a spectacle of herself. She said it was pretty funny because the whole place was laughing. She laughed but inside was in some pain, part pain-part embarrassment. One kid said, "It was so funny one minute you were there and then you just disappeared." As she is telling me this I'm cracking up because I can totally picture it. So she would realize we all have stories like this I added my story of taking the plunge. When I was in high school and we had to walk from one building to the other and in between was a parking lot. It was very icy one day so of course I wore high heels and a dress. I was walking alone ( which made it so much worse because I didn't have anyone to laugh with about it) and suddenly one leg flew forward in the air, like a nice air kick, as the other leg followed. I landed right on my bumper and just sat there with a look of shock for a moment. I could have died! Luckily, some guy was nice enough to say, "Here, let me help you.", and he picked me up.
I was glad to hear M flowed with it. The ability to laugh at yourself is a sign of good character. At least, I think so. Here's a picture of the dorkus in a more favorable light. ( Now accepting funny stories of when you took the plunge at the laughing expense of others. I'm not sure if the drunk stories count. Heck, put them in there too, it's all a laugh.)

Today B comes home. For good. :-)

He flies in with Dad at 5:30. I was going to meet them at the airport but T has gymnastics so I'll have save my hugs for when I get back home.

I think pizza in on the menu. I don't think he got many pizzas there. The other times he was home I only allowed home cooked meals but I have noticed he's so tired on the first day home and yet very excited to get in the basement to work. I think pizza would be a nice treat for him and then I don't have to rush around trying to get a meal in his belly by 6p.m. Stucs has great pizza, maybe I'll pick one up from there. Better quality than say Pizza Hut or Papa John's.

I made a blog entry about alligators at myspace if you want to check it out. Lately, myspace is more fun because you can do more with your blog there. www.myspace.com/tblazer972

I haven't gotten papers regarding the Jackalope yet so I'm not quite sure what to think. I guess I just play the waiting game.

2006-01-18T06:10:00.000-06:00

Tonight I went to the casino with Skunky, his wife, his Mom, Mom's boyfriend and Dave.

Good time as usual. It's so nice to see Dave around. Dave hung with us when we were teens too. Many things drifted us over the years and now he's back. I always have fun when Dave is around and if you put Dave and Skunky together it's just ridiculous. I usually just sit back and let them entertain me all night with all the one liners they are pulling constantly.

So we're at the casino and Dave and I are in this conversation about ex's and the problems we encountered with them and he says, "Yeah, so my ex is like why in the hell do you need another TV. So I say to her 'what the hell does it matter, because it gives me a boner.' I mean who cares." Then I get a serious look from him like ~duh. This really made me laugh because I remember Dave's answer to everything when he was 16 was.... because it gives me a boner.

Lesson being... No matter how hard we try, there are just some things about us that make us who we are and those things will never change. lol Rock on, Dave.

So Skunky was completely out of control tonight. He starts out nice and slow like he's this mellow blackjack player. Betting 10-20 bucks here and there, suddenly for no reason BAM 100 bucks is out there EVERY time now. For no apparent reason that's not good enough anymore.... TABLE LIMIT. 200 bucks per hand...

He's not getting anywhere playing like this. He wins it all in two hands, then loses it all in two hands. Back and forth until finally the Indians take control and wipe him out. Dave at this point is doing some religious pow wow dance behind Skunky because he's part Indian. ( I just said that because it sounded better and I wanted to picture Dave doing a pow wow dance. - he is part Indian though. heh )

So, I think we are going to leave but no, the sweet wife gives Skunky another 100 bucks to go play roulette. He turns the 100 into 400 with a lot of work and calculated planning on his part and when his wife isn't looking he pushes 2 huge stacks of chips equalling 400 bucks on BLACK. ALL HIS MONEY, one shot...again, for no apparent reason. I'm thinking of the walk to the roulette table earlier with the wife and her saying, "yeah between me winning and Skunky losing we are still up $45.00." As we see this double stack of chips waiting to be scalped Dave, Mom's boyfriend and myself make this crazy eye contact together, we all get a smile that we are trying to hide so we each turn away in a different direction and start to walk away. And, it lands on RED. Wifey is just chatting away with mom's boyfriend, seems oblivious....Skunky immediately starts putting his wife's coat on for her and swoons her to the door. All three of us as we are walking out are saying, "Did she see that? Did she know?" Back at his house he says she knew and she probably did because I've never seen a woman watch her man bet so irratically and stay so calm. I was amazed. She says that's nothing he'll be betting 10 bucks all night and then she'll say "lets go" and BAM all his chips are out of pocket and are up for one hand. Like 300 bucks worth.

Lesson being...No matter how well we know someone don't assume you know everything! lol

As for me I only used $70.00 to play with. I was up $200.00 slowly losing, decided to quit when I was still ahead $45.00 I was happy. Wow, I have gotten lame and boring over the years. lol

So I learned a few things tonight, moreso in fun... and the last thing I learned was you can get anywhere in the world from Meade Street.

"If I'm on Meade Street, I turn which way?" lol

2006-01-16T23:26:00.000-06:00

A TRIBUTE TO MY FRIEND

I have a friend who is my soul mate. He has been since the day we met. I remember like it was yesterday when we met.

We always have just been friends sometimes out of fear of losing this great thing we found in each other. He is married now. ( adding that just so you all don't tell me to go get him and marry him immediately lol)

We've been there for each other through every relationship each of us has endured. Marriages, divorces, children, joy and grief.

I want to talk about him tonight because I never really have talked about this. I'd like for him to read this and understand on my part what our relationship means to me. And only hope to god that I have been the same type of friend to him as he has been to me.

What is a soul mate and why is he my soul mate? I don't mean this in a romantic way. It is meant in the deepest form a friendship can reach.

What I believe a soul mate to be is someone who completely understands you and in time understands you without words. Someone with whom you have mutual unconditional love with. Someone you have a special connection with that words can't explain, there is definitely something magical in it.

He can think for me, feel for me and act for me and it will be exactly how I would respond because he knows me that well.

We don't always feel the same way about things but we understand why the other is driven the way they are. We know the deep emotions of each other that we ourselves don't want to share.

We can sit in silence and yet walk away and feel like we had an entire conversation. Senses and facial expressions say more to each other than any words we pass.

When I really need someone, thousands of miles won't get in the way. There will never in my life be a situation where I am alone. Divine intervention seems to play a part often. Many times when I haven't reached out but really needed to, he seems to always appear. I wouldn't have been able to endure things at times on my own had it not been for him being there for me. Just knowing someone loves me that much is enough to get through things sometimes. There is less self doubt.

Unconditional love is an absolute in soul mates. I have felt this unconditional love towards me twice in my life. With my grandmother and my soul mate friend. The love is so deep that not only do they accept you and your wrongs they can't even see your wrongs if it's blaring at them. Everything you do is right, understandable, expected and beautiful in shining with who you are. That's just cool!

We talk endlessly. If we get on the phone hours will pass, sometimes the night will pass as we talk. In visits not once have I gotten away with a quick chat before I drop him off, we sit and talk all night, every time. ( since he moved out of state) Sometimes the talks are fun and silly, sometimes they are filled with talking about a song or tons of songs, sometimes filled with wonderment of the world and people, sometimes chats of our insecurities, sometimes we talk about us and our great friendship, sometimes we gossip like two girls, sometimes it's just laying there crying over something terrible that has happened, but no matter what we never have enough time to talk. How is that?

If I ever did something terrible he would cover it up for me as I would for him. Now, that's friendship but soul mates not only cover it up they cover it up in their mind and heart and find a perfectly good reason as to why you did that. Because you know the core of that persons soul. You never question, ever.

Maybe the years together helped this, but it was there from day one, it just became something to not deny as time went on. At first we could wonder if it really was like that between us but the years proved our fate together. So it didn't grow in time it just became more obvious over the years.

Maybe our innocence back then allowed us to be open to this sort of raw trust and exposure to each other. Maybe had we met today we would never find this sort of beauty between us. Even though now we know from experience together that it is there and is obtainable. The battles of life scar you, close you up, make you harder to reach. But, luckily innocense was thriving, the door was opened, and we never shut it.

My best memories with him aren't great stories, hysterical moments or outrageous things we did together. They are the times we talked.

(Skunky, click on this webpage and listen to the song while you read the rest of this tribute www.myspace.com/tblazer972 You'll recognize it.)

They are the times we sat in my room as kids, sitting for hours with nothing to do so we talked and learned about each other. We always had tons of questions for each other.

The times you knew down to every lyric why a song meant something to me because you listened and wanted to know because you knew you would learn more about me by doing so and it made me happy.

The times we sat in my car after dropping everyone else off at the end of the evening and talked for hours and got to know each other even more.

The times we ditched everyone while camping at High Cliff and layed in fields and talked under the night sky.

The times we played poker all night with friends and laughed so much.

The times we hung out at my first apartment and sat at my kitchen table and, yup, talked.

The times when I lived alone and you would come over after work to check on me and make sure I was okay. Which made me feel loved and safe.

The times I told you the secrets in my life because I knew you would still see me the same... as before I told you.

The times you came to my house and saved me from a life I was hating, taking me for a walk and telling me I deserve better and reminding me I was so much better of a person than what was being told to me.

The times you were angered when someone who was supposed to love me would hurt me and not treat me with the type of respect you felt I deserved.

The times someone didn't understand me and what I needed because to you it was so obvious and not difficult.

The times you kept quiet when you knew I deserved better but you also knew I felt love and had to figure it out for myself.

The times when my world was so dark but you had the ability to pick me up and make me laugh. I have laughed through my tears more with you than I can recall.

The times when the people who were supposed to love me and be there for me weren't and you filled their place.

The times that we both wondered how we would have survived without having each other to lean on.

The times that I could always say what was on my mind and feel so absolutely comfortable to be myself whether shining bright or quite dimly at the moment.

The times you would never get embarrassed by me being silly or having fun because you were just so happy to see a smile on my face and that's what mattered to you.

The times we'd remininse about "our" funny stories together for the zillionth time really knowing we were only sharing the stories because we enjoyed talking about our times together.

The times you'd get excited about something only because I was excited about it.

The times we'd sit at your mom's house all night long and talk being so happy that we have this time together just like old times.

The times you came home just so I could cry and get all my grief out, no matter how long it took. That silence and my tears helped heal me.

The times you offered to help me save my children whether it be from hurricanes or a war.

The times you cared just as much for my children as you cared for me because they were an extention of me.

The "time" you understood the greatest grief in my life to date and didn't try to tell me not to worry so much about it but knowing why I was in such despair because you knew the love I carried.

And all the future times you will be there for me letting nothing stand in the way, not even myself.

That is what a soul mate is to me. If there is such thing, this is it. Being the person you are is what has taught me what a soul mate is. I feel so blessed to have you in my life and I love you so much.

Anytime you ever feel low always remember that it takes someone absolutely extradinary to be this sort of friend to someone. You are very unique and incredible.

Our friendship alone proves that.

You are my John Lennon.

Thank you

2006-01-16T22:39:00.000-06:00

"Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription ... is MORE COWBELL!"

2006-01-15T18:19:00.000-06:00

www.myspace.com/tblazer972

A new blogging site for me.

Looking for a band name. Any ideas please post. All brainstorming welcomed. ;-)

2006-01-14T14:02:00.000-06:00

Ground control to skunky dog. Where are you? I hope your computer isn't on the blitz. Where ever you are. I miss you.

Trivia.. What song am I refering to in my first sentence?

2006-01-11T19:02:00.000-06:00

DEMO CD IS WELL ON IT'S WAY

The Cd is called "It's Tomorrow"

B and Jimi worked their butts off for the last four days with great results. There is still a lot to do and things to change but I think the cd so far gives a good idea of the sound they are shooting for.

The lyrics are so well done. Most of the songs have great melodies. There is so much meaning in each one. I think these songs mean to much to not give them their fullest potential. So things will be on hold until B can get voice lessons and they can have more time perfecting things. They did all this in a matter of days. I can't imagine what they'd do if they have weeks or even months to give each song it's due time.

And one other thing to attend to... they need a drummer. We have figured out a problem. B and Jimi have been playing together for some time without a drummer. They really haven't had any experience having another person in the mix so they need time with a patient drummer to get them used to following the drummer and not each other. All the songs recorded so far do not have drums in them.

Jimi did a great job on a song about his mom forcing him to live in New Zealand called Beautiful Black Roses. It's pretty straight forward and the instrumentals on it are awesome.

B did the rest songs while Jimi added bass to them. B had all the lyrics and ideas for the songs ready when he came home.

I'll give a rundown of the songs that are done so far...

"Without me" is about a girl from home who tries to be close with him while he's gone even though he doesn't know her very well. With him feeling like she is only interested for superficial reasons. A few lyrics are "girl you've got nothing to do.. with me... why do you follow through. I'm locked inside a room. Coming out to play real soon."

"Animal" This is about a girl being on drugs and thinking like a animal yet she thinks she's being intellectual and B being able to relate it. The guitar solo in this rocks.

"Wondering" This song is really pretty. It's about being close to someone yet being so emotionally far away from them. And how he can't be honest because it will hurt the person. He's in a strange world but he still feels you and his fear of people getting in the way of things. Part of it is his perception of his relationships when he wasn't "feeling like himself".

"Distorted" A very cool sounding song but I feel he needs to change a part because it sounds too much like a Vines song that is already out.

"Beautiful Like Black Roses" As I said this is Jimi's song about his mother making a huge decision for him and him feeling like she took his life away as a result. I have to share the lyrics. I had the instrumentals to this song a few months ago and I knew he was going to do lyrics regarding his mother for him and I was quite anxious to see what he'd come up with... here it is.

BEAUTIFUL LIKE BLACK ROSES

Lost with time

I can't see any love

that I knew was there

Between us loving and hating

Everything I thought you were

is now a death in my heart

It's NOT ALRIGHT

It's NOT OKAY

To take me back

when I've got

something else to say

Beautiful like black roses

is the feeling of the love we share

You never thought to hear me

You never thought to believe me

You ripped the petals off my beautiful rose

Dead inside

My life's a lie

I hope you'll see me

I showed my scars

I showed everything...

yet you deny

it was you

that ripped me apart

Well take a look around

Who's to say I don't have feelings

Beautiful like black roses

is the feeling of the hate we share

You never thought it hear me

YOu never thought to believe

You ripped the petals of my beautiful rose

"Canvas" is B's most personal song, he wouldn't let Jimi do anything with it. It starts out pretty and slow on acoustic. It's about him going to treatment, being left with a blank canvas where he's the artist to re create who he is. And not knowing who that is. Being free from all design and point of views.

"Black Balled" isn't finished with lyrics.

"Akathesia" Is a song B did that the lyrics are drugs talking of what they will do to you. It has a more hard rock, light punk sound to it

"It's Tomorrow" I would need his lyric sheet to explain this one. It's a very catchy song with great instrumentals but I can't understand what he's singing and I don't have his lyric book. Something about it being tomorrow and dreaming and having no feeling. And it obviously has an important meaning because it's what he wanted the title to the cd be.

Jimi is supposed to be on a flight back to New Zealand on the 21st and his father who lives here is saying he's not going to have them go back. I guess he signed Jimi up for school today here but who knows how all that will turn out. I have a feeling it's going to be a legal nightmare and he doesn't have a lawyer. Pretty boldsy move for not being represented. Yeeks.

2006-01-09T19:18:00.000-06:00

"Tap Tap, no it still doesn't work!"

2006-01-09T19:17:00.000-06:00

The last three hours were pretty cool for me. I don't know what got into B but he spent the last three hours going over all his songs he's recorded and explained them to me lyric by lyric. Then having me listen to each song in full and wanting me to tell him what I thought about each one. Now that last part is amazing because he's pretty funny about me throwing my opinion in things.

I am so proud of him. All his songs have personal meaning. Each lyric represents a person, a feeling or an moment he has experienced. You can tell he's put a great amount of time into these lyrics.

I found out the song I thought was about me is about me, the ex-girlfriend and a girl he knows at the clinic. Sorta weird but he said he started writing it about one then experienced something with the others and it all tied into one song. ( Sounds like my mind, I'll have one topic and that brings me to all these others things and I tie them all together) He wrote the chorus after we left on Christmas Day. It is a bit unnerving sometimes to have someone write songs about you. Makes you want to make sure not to get on their bad side. LOL

All in all, I really appreciated that time with him. I was feeling pretty useless since he's only come up for air a few minutes a day from the basement. Today we spent a lot of time together. We both spoke to David today and got a few "rule" issues cleared up.

Matt, a drummer we know from a local band came over today and helped the boys with a few ways to record. He was here for a drum lesson but when he heard a few of the songs he ditched the lesson and helped wire a few things up to make the instruments sound better.

A new addition to the studio today, a recording vocal mic. It's mighty fine. I'm looking forward to hearing how it sounds. Maybe if I bring that mic out with me I can use that to power up courage to sing karaoke. We had some problems hooking it up to the mixing board. A few funny pictures of B trying to mic, calling the music store, trying something else... he went back and forth for quite awhile before realizing there's a little button on the back of the mixer to power up a mic of this fine quality. hehehe

I'm tired as can be. I got two hours of sleep last night. I'm going to go lay on the couch, relax and watch some tv.

2006-01-09T03:40:00.000-06:00

2006-01-09T03:31:00.000-06:00

Don't Fade Away.

2006-01-07T11:24:00.000-06:00

Creativity Is A State Of Mind

Not Necessarily A Positive One

I'm getting a first hand look at this right now. I know B is excited and is trying to get a lot of work done right now in a short amount of time. But you still have to eat, go to bed at a reasonable time and take care of yourself.

His demise last visit is starting to make sense to me now that I see it unfold again in right in front of me. It really circles around his music creating. He gets SO focused on what he's doing he forgets everything else. And, god forbid you interupt him while an idea is forming in his head, or he's about to record something he just thought of. He will snap on you for disrupting the idea that will make this song perfect in his mind and he doesn't know if he'll get to that place again where the idea sits.

Last time he was home it was talking to Jimi on the phone. He forgot to take his meds because he was so preoccupied. Then he didn't sleep all night and on and on.

I had this idea of how things should go. Ways to keep him on a schedule and bring him back to the things he needs to keep close in mind. Exactly like last time, minus that last night here was here. Breakfast, lunch and dinner relatively at the same time every day. Meds, same time every day. I pictured him and Jimi getting up, eating a good breakfast, working until lunch, eating lunch, working until dinner.... and so on.

It's not going as planned. Dinner last night was fine. But then when it came time for B to put his instrument down and get some rest he got pretty ticked off about it. And, this was after 5 hours of straight playing already. I knew if I wouldn't have said anything he would have worked all night on his songs.

We had an agruement last night about not following through with our earlier agreed 11:30 bedtime. I understand his frustration but I have a more important mission in mind. His health. He's been denied the ability to record for over 4 months, he's been denied the ability to jam with his musical twin for 6 months, he's been denied to have time to just flow with a creative moment due to the tight scheduling of the clinic. I understand all this, I really do, but I also know obsessing is going to cause him problems. Which could lead to more problems.

I have to remember that he might not always be this wound up about having to take a break. Sometimes I think, gawd is this how he just will be now. But, he's under a time bomb in his mind which he won't be when he's home for good.

This morning he walked straight from his bedroom to the basement. I called him back up and said, "B you need to eat breakfast first. He grabbed a handful of doughnut holes and went downstairs. I wasn't happy about that. I planned on making a breakfast. He said, we'll eat breakfast later. Well, duh, that would be lunch then and you just skipped a meal.

Then I find out the rest of the band is coming over at 12:30. Aurg, this is messing up my whole timing for meals.

2006-01-06T09:07:00.000-06:00

Today I pick Brandon up at the airport at 5:30. Jimi is coming with me. So today I'm grocery shopping, cooking, doing laundry and getting my car cleaned.

If Mr.Big is reading this the plastic candycane peeking out of my garage has been disposed of. :-)

I just thought of something. If Jackalope appeals I will probably be served papers while B is here. That isn't very cool. Well, I'll just hope if and when it happens B is downstairs playing his guitar.

Jackalope has T on the day she has dance class. I just found out last night he hasn't brought her in over a month. Go figure. I really don't know what he's thinking because not only will the courts deny his request of full custody, he's drawing attention to all the things he is supposed to be doing for her and isn't. She's been late for school quite a few times. I'm sure he hasn't brought her to gymnastics either. I haven't gotten her absent record for school yet so who knows what is on there. And we already know he's made no effort to participate in her counseling. I may have to change his name on here from Jackalope to Dumbazz.

Well, it's a busy day I'm off.

2006-01-05T02:19:00.000-06:00

NO BRAVERY

I know I've been posting like crazy about this guy but I can't help myself. Yes, I'm talking about James Blunt again! I've been listening to this CD non stop for 2 days now. His strength of passion is what has me so excited. I see his songs as both uplifting and powerfully tragic. This guy feels his music. And, he's like the boy next door. And, a little swearing in a British accent is, well as I've described him... Hot. Gawd, I'm so revved about this!

If this is a taster I can't wait to see what's next. I just hope his contract doesn't put a ridiculous deadline on his next CD. You just can't force creativity. This is where you wish the great artists didn't get famous and you could secretly enjoy years of their music in the best form.

I personally think his best song on this CD is "No Bravery" it is absolutely fantastic and haunting. The lyrics are intense. His singing has an honest rawness to it, it's beautiful. The song carries the harsh reality of the evils of war He wrote this song while stationed in Kosovo. If people weren't scared to face what is really going on right now by our own government's hand you'd probably hear this song played on the radio as much as "Beautiful" is.

James tour in America, like now!

2006-01-04T21:48:00.000-06:00

It worked!!! Okay, one more link... James Blunt stripping! In his MTV video. The video itself I think it quite lame, but... he's still stripping! His hair looks sorta wet too. Guys with wet hair look so hot. :-P James Blunt :Back to Bedlam :'You're Beautiful'

2006-01-04T21:39:00.000-06:00

I'm experimenting right now. I'm trying to figure out how to add links to my blog. I wanted to add a link to a James Blunt song on my last post but it didn't work. http://www.myspace.com/jamesblunt

2006-01-03T14:01:00.000-06:00

Today I went to court. We were in front of the court commissioner to see if Jackalope had any basis for trying to go for full custody of T. He was denied a trial. But, that doesn't mean troubles are over because he has 10 days to appeal.

Court was interesting. In Jackalope's motion he put exaggerated statements and one straight up lie where he grossly misquoted what T's counselor said. That was the only real basis he was going on to get full custody. So before this court date I gave the counselor a copy of what Jackalope stated she said in his motion. She wasn't happy at all about it.

T's counselor faxed an accurate statement to the court commissioner stating the truth and that she didn't feel it would be in T's best interest for there to be a change in her living arrangement. Jackalope was unaware of this fax and began his opening statement with, "T's counselor said blah blah blah..." he was then cut off by the commissioner while she waved a paper in the air saying, "She did not say that and I have a paper right here stating what she did say" That was his only realistic complaint for having custody changed. So that basically ended our court session.

The only part that came up regarding B was Jackalope ranting about how he heard that B was on drugs. He said B overdosed. He also said I was a known drug user. OMG! Thankfully the court commissioner said, she would like to hear what I had to say about that. I said, "Your honor, I haven't used drugs since I was 16 years old. I went to treatment myself at that time. I am not an active drug user. As for B, yes, he was placed in a treatment facility by my wishes but he did not overdose. I caught him in the act and I take that very seriously and within 3 days he was in Houston because it's the 3rd best facility in the nation. I wish for me taking an active responsible role in keeping my family healthy not to used against me." And that was about it.

Another good part was him trying to explain why he lost his job and his inability to fulfill his responsibility for her health insurance. He blamed our past court case saying he needed to defend himself so his sales went down. My attorney said, "Mr. Jackalope ( ha! I can't use his real name!) you said in court before you only work 14 hours a week. Do you think maybe they didn't want you anymore because you aren't productive for them" LOL Gee, I wonder.

Then the issue came up about him not sharing responsibility with taking T to counseling. He again tried to blame me and he got a raised eyebrow from the commissioner because what he was saying didn't even explain why I've been taking her and he hasn't.

Unfortunately, these blows are his fuel to really obsess about winning so I fully expect an appeal.

Since he is representing himself through all this I don't think he realizes that there is a 2 year grace period when you have a final custody agreement and him flying back into court only 5 months later isn't wise. If he appeals we are seeking full court costs to be re-embursed. Because any lawyer would tell him he doesn't have grounds to drag me to court again.

The judge made it very clear that if he sees us again someone will severely lose. Meaning he will award full custody of T to one parent. The judge felt we couldn't co-parent well and wasn't thrilled about us splitting custody. Jackalope is forcing us to enter very dangerous ground.

I'd like to start spending my energies on actually living instead of my time and money being used up to defend my living.

On a good note. The confetti is cleaned up! LOL I think.

My new favorite Cd is "Back to Bedlam" by James Blunt. I never heard of this guy and I stumbled on his song, "You're Beautiful" and I found I loved the whole cd. His Voice....omg!! and of course he plays acoustic. I'm melting. He's quite fine looking too, ladies! Oh dear, I think I've acquired a fan based crush. -blushing- LOL :-P Lets see if this works...

2006-01-01T23:22:00.000-06:00

Had to post my only picture of M because you can't see her in the group picture. She's buried behind other guests.

2006-01-01T23:21:00.000-06:00

T gathering as much confetti as she can to claim as her own.

2006-01-01T23:19:00.000-06:00

T in absolute glory from the discovery of confetti. She discovered we had so much confetti on the floor that she could make "confetti angels".

2006-01-01T23:17:00.000-06:00

Party winding down. Note the mess and trust me the living room was worse... but oh so fun. lol

2006-01-01T22:56:00.000-06:00

The party was a great success. M and I decided to make it as elegant and grown up as possible. I made punch which was in a big fancy glass punch bowl, fancy glasses to drink out of. I also made a rum cake which went over well. We had champagne glasses with 2006 on them for the non alcoholic champagne to be passed around at midnight. A huge bag holding 30 red, silver and black balloons and a ton of confetti was thrown over the guests by myself and Jimi at midnight. That part was really cool because they weren't expecting it and didn't see us waiting at the top of the stairs. When they got to 1 at the countdown they were covered in confetti. The confetti was absolutely insane because it was ALL over the house. Luckily the sleepover girls are sweet and helped clean it up throughout the rest of the night and the morning. I still think we will find bits of confetti over the next few months. They watched movies, listened to music, listened to Jimi and Kendal play some live music. T had a blast. She thought the girls were so cool. T woke up the next day and said, "Last night was wonderful" it was so cute. It's adorable to hear a little person say such big words. Twister bust out and called for many laughs. Everyone invited had to wear black, silver or red with some sort of glitter in their outfit. ( The girls changed clothes before this picture so you can't see how cute everyone looked)

Jimi called a few hours before the party and he cancelled his plans to come over saying he'd rather see us over New Years. I thought that was awesome. He was so excited to be here. I think because he spent so much time here in the past it feels like home to him. When he walked in he said, "Your house smells different than before" I don't know what it smelled like before but that was strange. LOL The girls sleeping over said they love the way our house smells and they can smell it on M sometimes at school. Just having someone comment on a scent that relates to you is weird. I don't know what is up with this scent at our house but I wish I knew because it causes quite a bit of conversation. I have a feeling it's just the candles they smell but the bit of smelling it on M at school doesn't make sense.

Anyway, Jimi's Dad and brother stopped by unexpectedly. It was nice to see his Dad doing so well. He had a pretty rough year himself. He's made quite a few positive changes in his life in the last year which reflected well in his conversation. To see someone making so many positive changes in their life is inspiring.

Jimi played some songs for everyone and every once in awhile he'd do something that B always played. That started bumming me out. Like when B would get bored in practice or was waiting for everyone else to tune their instruments he'd start playing this little circus type riff he made up, quite funny. Jimi did that. And Jimi did a few songs B made up. During those times I had to really shut myself out from listening. It was also amazing to me how many of Jimi's mannerisms are like B's. Just seeing Jimi really made me miss B. We listened to a few things B made on his computer after the party died down and some of them were so funny. This particular one was where B sang the SpongeBob song. OMG, what a dorkus, it was so funny how he twisted his voice and just picturing him sitting by himself recording this made me laugh and think what a ham. I'm really looking forward to next week when B comes home. I'm excited to see them feed off each other in humor and music. I'm really just excited to see them both be so happy for 5 days.

I hope everyone had a great safe New Year.

2005-12-31T17:05:00.000-06:00

RESOLUTIONS

Happy New Year to myself! I have to congratulate myself for making it through this year, it was a rough one.

I'm very much looking forward to a NEW YEAR. Gawd, am I thrilled to bury this last year in the past.

It would be nice if there were a few more days between Christmas and New Years to think about resolutions. I've been so busy jumping from one situation to another, one plane to another that I haven't really had time to sit and reflect on this past year and what I want for myself in this new year.

A few resolutions are obvious but it's not the obvious I'm looking for. It's easy to say "yeah I'd like to change this, quit this or start doing this, this year" but just saying it or wishing isn't a realistic way to achieve it. Having time to ponder my plan. How am I actively going to achieve these changes I want? That's what I need to think about.

I have three changes in mind but I really need to think about those changes first so I am steadfast in my decision. I need definite resolve with these issues because if I go through another year doing these things I'm going to be quite disappointed in myself. I'm going to resolve to be healthier physically, mentally and be more ambitious in areas of my life. Nothing really out of the ordinary of anyone else.
But, I want to be mindful of these things, not just tip my champagne glass and say yeah I'm going to blah blah blah and by morning I'm back to my usual routine.

It's interesting because you see tons of celebrities breaking up over the holidays and I read something that explained why. Because, it's during the holidays and new years that people start thinking about where their life is headed, where it's been, they start wondering if they are truly satisfied and want to be in this spot for the remainder of their days. So the break ups begin. I want to break up with certain parts of myself!! LOL Thus, my resolutions.

This whole year did have quite a bit of good also. I need to acknowledge that. A lot of personal growth and maturity transpired. I don't think you can go through something tragic in your life and not grow in a positive way from it. It has a certain realization with it of how precious life is. How precious the moments with your loved ones are. Appreciation for the small things in life. It sorta makes you stop in your tracks and reflect on so many aspects in your life. So there's been a lot of growth lately in my world. I'm also really learning how to be a calmer person. That's been brewing for the last 3-4 years but it's really taking a jump this year and I expect that to really leap in the next 6 months. An endeavor I'm quite excited about. I have a blog pending about what that is but I'll post that later. It relates to learning mindfulness in the presence.

M is having a party tonight here at the house, somehow our house got decked out with New Year's Eve decos in a matter of days. Not quite the same as our usual crazy Halloween bashes. I limited her to 10 guests. 6 are sleeping over. A small yet elaborate celebration.

I'm happy to do this for M. She's never had a New Years Party and she didn't get to have the annual Halloween party this year. She was quite ticked about that! This year has been difficult for her also. So here I am entertaining a bunch of teenagers on New Years Eve.

Happy celebrations to all.

2005-12-30T22:30:00.000-06:00

I can never promise the viewers of this blog organization. I just don't have the energy to try and put my mind on paper and then edit. I'm more concerned about what I'm writing about and finding what I'm looking for in myself.

I suppose it just depends on the reason why I happen to writing at that particular moment. Which will affect the way I write. Sometimes it's simply to report various events that are going on in my life. Other times something may be really bothering me and I vent. Which will include temporary feelings of that particular moment but not necessarily relate to my belief system. Or that particular trouble comes out in text as a reflection of something else in my life. That's usually when I'm trying to grasp growth from something I've experienced. A lot of times just a song will bring my mind on a journey and my emotions will surface. Those thoughts will float all over the place. At times I even add little personal message to various people which I'm sure makes no sense to anyone else. That is sorta fun actually. LOL But, basically I write to visually see what I'm thinking about moreso than telling a story.

My last blog entry was based off a song that made me think about things in my life and things in the lives of people I care about. When I touched that thought as close as I can it lead me to think about other things. The Audioslave song really brought me on a journey of self reflection of things I've learned and things I'm currently learning. I spent much time between paragraphs thinking, re listening to my song of choice at the moment and reflecting.

I suppose after I randomly wrote my thoughts down I could have gone back and organized it but why? For me it served it's purpose already.

So a bit of reporting here. My trip to Houston...

Being in a hotel over Christmas seemed so cold to me. To fix that M and I bought a bunch of Christmas lights, festive garland, a little tree, a huge bow for our hotel door. By the time we were done I'm sure housekeeping was surprised they were still in the hotel when they entered our room. We got a free room upgrade for a suite so one entire side of the room was floor to ceiling windows. We had lights hanging over that which reflected in the window and looked really cool. When B came in the room Christmas Eve his "WOW" made it all worth it.

One thing that made our trip humorous was someone left a thingie-ma-jiggie under the passenger seat of our rental car that would yell obscenities to us whenever we went over a bump or changed lanes on the highway. It took us three days to figure out where the "f-u, eat sh*t, you're an a-hole" comments were coming from.

M swears we need to be one of those reality families on T.V. because she thinks our family is goofy enough and have enough humorous things transpire that it would be hilarious. LOL We always seem to have bizarre or funny stories going on around here. This whole car swearing thing would have been a riot to have our reactions and commentary recorded. At one point I almost pulled over on the highway because I was laughing so hard I couldn't see the road because tears were fogging up my vision. That situation alone made the trip memorable.

B was so grateful for us going there for him. I think he was surprised at the effort we made to make Christmas special there. Why it surprised him I don't know because I usually do those sorts of things. Christmas Day he was moody which put a kink in our events but we cleared the situation up and had a great following day together.

We found an awesome designer store called Duo at the Galleria Mall. B got some awesome clothes there. Very rocker style. Luckily we got all his last minute Christmas shopping done there. He's definitely styling now.

There is a new kid there and his Dad produced Billy Joel so B is all revved about having someone there he can talk to and buddy up with.

Meghan and I had a great time together. I'm really glad she came with me. We have had quite the opportunity to bond in the last few months and this trip only strengthened that. She came on the trip with a load of holiday cash and had quite a shopping trip herself. She's out of her mind about owning a pair of designer jeans from Duo also. As for myself, I was quite proud, I didn't buy myself anything. I did see a zillion things I would have liked to own though.

A few thing during our trip that struck me as odd. B seemed to feel guilty over every little thing. For example were at a store and I told him to pick out some cds for himself. He reluctantly gives me one cd and appears uncomfortable. I ask him what's wrong and he says, "I feel bad because you are spending money on the cd" M and I look at each other like, is he for real? I say B it's Christmas I think I can handle a $13.00 purchase. He just couldn't get over it. Then on Christmas Eve he was exceptionally nice to Meghan which really was uncomfortable for me because I'm not use to it... LOL... I ask what's up and he says, "I just feel bad that you guys had to come here for Christmas and I took Christmas away." He still seems to carry way too many worries and guilt.

He also had no confidence in himself for making even the simplest decisions it seems. While driving he would suggest certain ways to drive or places to go and he says, "I feel like I'm making bad decisions" Crazy part was he was correct everytime he suggested something. That bothered me because if anything he should be gaining confidence in himself not losing it. Maybe it's just that he is exceptionally aware of how every decision he makes has an effect and he's thinking about it too much.

For this child's entire life I always known why he liked or disliked certain things. Why things make him laugh or feel sad. I don't think I've ever known someone better in my entire life than the way I know B. To practically know the persons thoughts before he says them is an incredible bond. So now all the sudden he's learning new things that I'm unaware of and he's reacting differently and I'm looking at him like, "who are you". It's just weird for me. Just part of that letting go bit that parents eventually need to face.

There was a moment in our relationship together that I'll never forget because for me it marked the ending of a part of our relationship together. When he was around 14 he got sick and I knew he was really miserable because he was laying on the couch and said, "Mom, I feel really sick will you snuggle by me?" I couldn't believe I heard him say this, this kid would barely let me hug for the last few years. He was too cool and independent for motherly affection. I held him, rubbed his forehead as I often did when he was little and sick. I felt like I had one more tender moment with my little boy. While snuggling with him I really stayed in moment with him because I knew this was probably the last time he'd ever let me baby him again. Our continually changing relationship just reminds me how life is always changing and to hold onto those wonderful moments with the people you love while those moments in time exist.

I just got news that B will come home for a visit January 7th to the 11th. Discharge date is scheduled for January 19th. This trip should be hard for him because Jimi will be here. Lots of activity he isn't used to, a lot of music making crammed into 4 days. They are trying to get a demo cd out soon and I have a feeling they are going to try and get as much done as possible in 4 days. It will be difficult trying to keep things going slow yet understanding his desire to get in as much time with Jimi as possible.

2005-12-22T19:40:00.000-06:00

"It Doesn't Remind Me Of Anything" Audioslave

I love this song.

It has meaning for me.

What I hear the message to be is this...If I have to think of the things I've lost please bring me to being filled with nothing because the pain is to great. If I don't feel in the first place, it can't hurt me. "I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget."

When B first left 4 months ago I was on a mission to keep him tied with new music to listen to, new material. When I heard "It Doesn't Remind Me Of Anything" I had to send him the CD with a star next to this song.

At the time I was just realizing the extent of how much pain he was in from the world and people around him. I have my moments where I can relate to that feeling. I live for positive perspective but there certainly are times when I look around and I am amazed at all the chaos that moves around us. Amazed at how easy it is for people to disregard other people to get what they selfishly seek...Ignoring the pain they cause and are only able see the light they viperously are running towards at the end of the tunnel. Unaware of all the damaged hearts and pained memories laying behind them in the people they crushed. Do they realize that sometimes these people will never be the same again because of their actions? I wonder if they just don't get it or if they just don't care. Which makes me think of something someone taught me.

A man I once knew told me he didn't think I could handle getting into a relationship with him. The responsibility was too great for me. I had no clue as to what he was talking about and when I asked him to elaborate he said, "People don't realize what a great responsibility it is to be given someone else's heart. How do I know you will take care of it the way it needs to be if I give it to you?" I was dumbfounded. I never really thought of it with this degree of clarity. He obviously was scared that if he gave me his heart he knew he would give all of it and feared I wouldn't protect it and cherish it as a gift. He taught me something incredible about love during that conversation. I know what he means now, I really know. And, part of my reason why I haven't been willing at this time to "go find" someone I can share my life with.

Now that's an example with love, but the topic of my blog includes love only as a segment, the overall topic is generally how people can treat each other, the degree of which we are willing to feel and the degree of feelings we have no control over. Whether it be in love or a stranger who rips you off and everything in the middle.

B understands this. He thinks he is different because he cares so much, I think he thinks people don't understand, he sees so much through his eyes and heart and he expects the same respect and care back. Different yes, but in a good way, in the right way. If you have this understanding for life, people and the way we should function together you realize everything counts. Everything matters. Everything means something. No matter how small it may appear. And when you see things to this degree , feel things and live life like this it can hurt. Deeply. Disappointment can be abundant.

They say ( those experts talking again) someone who is right minded and creative thinks differently, seeing the world differently and I think this is what the big difference is between some and others. You live the agony and the ecstasy. You can't have one without the other. It's a double edge sword. Michelangelo knows all about it. He is one of the best artists ever because he studied and perfected the art of detail. He understood his art would look different on a deeper level if he added the details. The nerves, muscles, tendons, veins in his art is what set him apart from his predecessors, the detail. I think relationships work very well in the same way. These types of people pay close attention to small details because they know the details matter just as much. They see how things should be and could be and it disturbs them to the very fiber of their being if it's not right.

There was a great article on "understanding the gifted artist" and my words can't explain it better so I'll just throw the part I'm talking about in here.....

Qualities of these people...

EMOTIONAL INTENSITY: Whether it's fear, anger, sorrow, jealously, satisfaction, love, hope or joy, creatively and artistically gifted people tend to experience it deeply, passionately, and intensely. A good general guideline is to take however a "normal" person would react emotionally to an event, and multiply it by three.

HYPERSENSITIVITY TO THE ENVIRONMENT: Many have highly developed senses of smell, taste, and touch, as well as vision and hearing. They can derive intense pleasure from such simple tactile acts as stroking a kitten. They may also be offended by odors, sounds, color combinations and intensities, shapes and forms no one else notices. Designers and painters are often extremely uncomfortable if forced to spend time in a room with clashing colors or unbalanced furniture. For musicians and singers, having perfect pitch can be as much a curse as a blessing, especially if accompanied by a slightly-out-of-tune piano. When J.S. Bach's wife was angry with him, she would pound a dissonant chord on the piano, knowing it would drive her husband crazy!

(As anything you can have some of these qualities, some not and to various degrees.)

Back to the song the started this writing tangent. When I heard this song I personally was feeling quite a bit of chaos and pain and the confusion of life swirling around me. This song hit a cord with me. I loved how I could say, "Yeah! I feel that way too." "Someone turn this madness off because it hurts!" I want to think about things that don't matter and enjoy it, not all this other crazy madness. And I found whenever I listened to the song I was able to forget my problems during the song. Maybe because if someone felt the same way enough to write a song about it I wasn't alone in my feeling.

I want to think about all the things that don't stress me out or hurt. When you feel this way sometimes you so badly want to be able to just turn it off because it's too much. You feel to much. It's not easy to live with your heart 24/7. This song is about nothing yet about everything. We all need a bit of nothing sometimes.

When you fall in love the rest of the world seems to disappear, doesn't it? You can be in a room full of people and you only see the one you love. Chaos can be abundant but somehow at the time it can't touch you. People around a couple that are in love know they are basically invisible at the moment. I suppose that may be the "coping" answer I'm looking for. To be in love with life enough that all the chaos and pain around you is invisible. At least invisible enough to carry through it.

This song deserved the Grammy nomination it just received, well deserved.

I sent this song to B because I knew he was in that spot of tremendous pain and disappointment and I wanted him to find that place where he can think of things that don't matter. I want to give that peaceful silence to B.

When I'm able to think of things that don't matter I feel serenity. I start becoming more creative, I have time to think about things I wouldn't give time to before. I'm healthier because I have time to be on top of my game. A much better feeling than feeling like you are stuck in a loop of taking that last breath before you go under.

So to sum it up....Enjoy the simplicity!( I'm more so reminding myself) Enjoy those things that don't matter, recognize them. Don't just stress on the things that are obvious. Notice the warm days and try to ignore the cold ones.

"The things that I've loved, things that I've lost
Things I've held sacred that I've dropped
I won't lie no more you can bet
I don't want to learn what I'll need to forget"

I love the intensity of the chorus because to me it's like screaming for an answer to all these things... Or just a way to forget. Sometimes we need to forget what means so much to us because it's to painful to remember. Ease me into nothingness.

"I like throwing my voice and breaking guitars
Cause it doesn't remind me of anything"

I like this verse also because I think sometimes musicians do what they do to be heard and sometimes they play just to escape. Their gift opens doors and can just as effectively close them. Whatever they may need at the moment.

The other song on this CD I like is "Be Yourself" I'll save my thoughts about that another time.

Whew. I'm done. This one took about two hours. Lots of things for me to think about in this one.

I am finding that when I have a lot of things I'm thinking about I take less care of properly formatting my words and topics. I am hopeful I will get better at this. To me this post makes perfect sense and ties together but I can see where someone reading it would feel confused. Dare you enter my mind, you could get lost easily. ;-)

Now I'm really off for Houston this time. I leave in 6 hours and I need sleep.

Ciao!

2005-12-21T14:40:00.000-06:00

Happy Holidays To All.

I don't have much time to write considering the holidays are approaching. Brandon is doing well. When we are visiting him I have set up a massage and Tai Chi for him. His muscles are very knotted up from last weeks events so I am hoping this will help. We plan on taking the mile walk near downtown Houston on Christmas Eve. I guess it's a mile of millions of lights and Christmas music. A few special dinners planned and some shopping as well. I'm excited to take Meghan to Sephora at the Galleria mall. I order most of my cosmetics from Sephora but we don't have a store here. Meghan will be in heaven. I'm sure we will discover other cool things to do. A few meetings thrown in there as well.

M, T and I are opening our Christmas gifts tonight. I have convinced T that I personally know Santa and he agreed to make an early stop for us. She wanted to know how I could ask him and I said, "Email, of course" LOL She probably thinks that's pretty wild that her mom personally knows Santa. Brownie points for me!!! Today I was driving and I saw the guy driving his car that plays Santa at the mall. The best Santa I've ever seen. It was pretty funny seeing Santa driving a Ford Taurus down College Ave. His beard is real. He seriously looks exactly like Santa. It made me think, hmm, maybe I should find out who this guy is and see if when B comes home if he'll play Santa for us and deliver B's presents. And, a few for T and M. I think T would get such a kick out of that, and help her to have a few extra years of believing in Santa. I mean if the beard is REAL what else are you to believe!? Christmas is so magical......... and in some ways such a hoax. LOL

One thing I haven't done yet is put lights on the beastly tree! If the kids don't complain I might forgo that all together. I have a feeling we will be doing it tonight. sigh lol

Merry Christmas!

2005-12-17T21:11:00.000-06:00

Anyone who actively reads my blog should really just skip reading it until the holidays are over. It's depressing right now. And, this particular post doesn't have anything positive in it. Sorry. Just for information purposes I am going to Houston with M over the Christmas Holiday.

Holidays usually put me in a very good mood but this year holidays are an emotional struggle.

I'm wrapping Christmas presents right now. I put on Christmas music to get me in the mood. Trans Siberian Orchestra has fantastic electrifying Christmas music, by the way. It was working. I was having fun making my presents look pretty with my handmade bows. I decided to take a break and check my email.

A very evil person from my past, penned Jackalope for this blog, decided to email me about some court papers he's having me served with this week. The court date is January 3rd. To try and change our custody agreement. He got wind of something going on with B. I'm going to be gone over Christmas and I can't even imagine hiring a lawyer, getting a defense together over the holidays. I believe the timing of this was very intentional and very nasty. Go figure. So, that was upsetting. I decided to not worry about it right now and get back to my wrapping even though I couldn't shake being upset about it.

A few more presents done and I get to one of B's presents. That was too much for me with everything else going on. Tears are falling while wrapping it. I'm thinking about all our past Christmas years together. Back when things were okay. How we would have never imagined this happening to him in a few years. How things will ( at least right now I feel this way) never be the same again. To make matters worse the song B performed last year for the Christmas Eve church service comes on and really puts me in a crying episode. I keep thinking, "This can't be happening. How can this be real?" What can I do, how can I help him and how can I get jackalope to back off because I seriously can't deal with the crap he conviently is throwing my way right now. It's just too much. I can't fall apart if for nothing else for B and M and T. But, I'm about to. I have come to coping terms with B's situation but barely... I just can't add more to the pile right now. I'm also worried about my mom because she had triple bypass heart surgery last year and I know this is so difficult for her to cope with also. She was in more denial than myself and just this week she is facing reality so I'm getting lots of sad calls from her. The last thing she needs is the stress.

The last thing anyone needs is stress and I don't get why this guy lives for stress. He in the truest sense is a cancer that feeds off my happiness.

I thought about going to church tonight. I changed my mind because I think if I went I would really fall apart there. I don't trust myself to keep myself together. I pray at home but I really feel this need to go to church. I think I need to call a friend of mine and have him come visit. He's in the seminary and knows my children very well, he babysat them for quite a few years. Maybe he can help me. All I know is I need help. I've been putting off visiting NAMI because then I REALLY have to face this. I also am scared of seeing the people there. I don't want to see examples of what could be. Problem is the information I get there could be very helpful. These are the things I should be thinking about right now NOT JACKALOPE, LAWYERS, RETAINER FEES AND EXTRA STRESS.

I'm too drained to feel angry but I know somewhere inside me there is anger over this court thing. This is why I kept everything with B private from the jackalope. It's only an opportunity for him. There is no compassion or good will with him in any situation. It's all just opportunity, hit when the opponent is weak. He's a fighter and he knows when to strike. If the jackalope was that concerned about T's well being then he would have participated in her counseling. He didn't show up once while I've been taking her weekly for 9 months. Both the counselor and I have asked him to participate every other week. Plus, he lost his job. I don't get how he thinks he can take her more since he's been jobless for two months.
Plus, if B were to find out something regarding himself made jackalope rise from the pits of .... again and cause us problems it would devastate him. I obviously have no intention of telling him but I'm sure eventually he'll figure it something out.

Okay, I vented a bit. I feel a little better, I guess. Back to present wrapping and throwing a zillion lights on this stupid huge tree I got. I thought B was coming home and I wanted to make it really nice and now I really regret getting this tree. A Charlie Brown tree would have been enough since events changed.

2005-12-15T09:47:00.001-06:00

In the past few days I have opened my creating post to write, always shutting it back down because the things I need to write about I'm not comfortable with. I'm still not and probably won't open too many doors here right now. There are two reasons for this. One, facing reality of the last few days is _______. ( Insert every fearful, sad and overwhelming word in the blank. I came up with too many to choose one or two, so I'll leave it blank. Secondly, this is still the internet and I don't know how easy it would be for the wrong people to find/enter my blog.

This is difficult for me because I want to write WHATEVER I want to write. It feels so good to just type what is on my mind. I find answers that way. Yet, topics in here especially details have a cautionary edge to them.

I could write my own blog without anyone having access but right now it feels healthier to do it this way. I think having my friends see it keeps me somewhat grounded. I have too many fears right now and could really comfort myself in a personal blog which would really only untimately serve my depressed ego but there would be a great violin solo in the background.

Right at this moment though I feel like I should be starting a project which would require a personal blog. B is trying to cope with something that only 1% of the population experience. Just knowing those stats makes you feel very alone with what you are dealing with, it also makes me feel very alone knowing only 1% of mothers and fathers can relate and truly know what we are going through.

In all my research to date on this illness I primarily see how to treat it with meds, how the patients are either much sicker in time or even better to the point the people wonder if they were misdiagnosed. What I haven't seen much of is the road the family walked through the course of this illness. Much focus, rightfully so, is on the patient but it seems family coping get lost in the mist. I have experienced this the most not so much on the internet but from the clinic directly. I basically had to beg to get information so I could understand what was going on and how to be the best support I can be. I don't want to hear anymore how busy everyone is. This clinic is in the top 5 and was at one time number 1. But, for myself and anyone going through this I want to raise awareness for the families, which ultimately helps the patient directly. I have a ton more research to do I know I haven't even tipped the iceberg on information that is out there BUT so what if it's out there if you can't find it. I don't need to know anymore the basic description of this illness which every stupid webpage has and they don't seem to dig "much" deeper than the basics. I want the clinic to HAND me book and say "read this" because this is your bible for survival and survival of your loved one. I need it to be that simple. I can't tell you how many hours I have wasted trying to find the information I'm seeking. Only last night did I finally find a webpage that gave deeper insight into what I'm looking for.

What I don't get... How can you be the so high on the excelling ranks as a research facility and NOT have made your own books to give to your clientele? It took me a month of daily searching webpages to even understand, truly understand the BASIC concepts of this disease and quite honestly I know I still don't really have a grasp on it. Often, someone will ask me a question about it and I have to say, "I don't know, I don't get it."

Generally it's hard to fully understand something if you haven't experienced it. And, to me that is why it is so important to make informing the family number two on the list for recovery. Obviously, taking care of the patient is number one. If I understand how and why my son is thinking the way he is the better I can ease him back to thinking the way he should. If I can recognize the little signs that something isn't right then I can interject and possiblily and quite easily prevent something extremely dramatic happening later. ( Like what happened to B in the last few day) as we talk about it there were signs. And I STILL feel like they aren't listening to the signs. Because the signs to me are saying B's meds aren't right. He himself with his own words are the signs I'm talking about. Saying things like, "My anxiety meds are working well enough" or "I feel funny at night" or "I just don't feel right" or "I don't feel comfortable in my own skin" HELLO HELLO HELLO so what do they do... Increase his meds. Now quite honestly, if they saw this they would have more to add, I'm sure there are things I don't get and other points to be raised in the formula BUT right now with my simpleton little mind I hear something I think needs to be heard. THE MEDS AREN'T RIGHT.

I can relate to that feeling. But, I'm sure B is feeling it to a greatly greater degree. When I was 19 I took an anti-depressant called prozac to help get me though a tough time. I had a month supply with intention of if it worked staying on for a few months. After two weeks I quit taking it myself because without having words to explain the sensations I had... It just "DIDN'T FEEL RIGHT AND I DIDN'T FEEL COMFORTABLE IN MY OWN SKIN" I didn't need to be a genius to realize this medicine was making me NOT feel like myself and there was something wrong with that.

I have recently began looking at other methods of treatment for B. Or methods additional to meds. More unconventional methods. It seems that anything aside from popping pills in the U.S. is considered unconventional. I don't have a problem with modern medicine really. I think some pills can really improve the quality of someone's life. I just think it's used automatically, too quickly, too often and sometimes in too high of a dose. There was not any discussion whatsoever after B was diagnoses to talk about options. We were given two options. Take meds and basically have a relatively normal life or don't take meds and conditions will get much worse.

I don't know, I just want him to feel right, get better, be happy and start living his life again. I feel helpless because I don't know what the right thing is to do. Maybe the meds are a lifesaver for him, maybe they aren't. I just don't know. I want to know.

One thing I do know is there has to be a lot more to this disease than is being reported. They've only really been able to tap into this disease in the last ten years, time and funding needs to catch up. Fast!

2005-12-12T22:42:00.000-06:00

Yesterday and today were not good for B. He's having a reaction to his meds. He was taken the the emergency room last night and he struggled terribly today also. I really don't want to go into details. He's not coming home Wed. All I can say is he is really suffering right now. I hope tomorrow is better.

2005-12-10T12:08:00.000-06:00

B and T snuggled up watching the movie ( yes, the one I ended up falling asleep to) Not the best picture T's eyes were watering because I kept snapping pictures in the dark at them. B's hair is huge because he hasn't had anything done to it in 3 months. They are wrapped in a blanket that M made for B a few months ago.

2005-12-09T19:17:00.000-06:00

Yes, B was here and I didn't post anything during that time. I figured I wouldn't post during his visit. 4 days goes by fast and I wanted to utilize my time with him and the family.

I can't imagine writing everything that happened and was on my mind during his visit. Too much stuff. The 4 days went very well and had he gone home when he was supposed to I would say it was as perfect as could be. The last day... The extra day, was rough.

On arrival B was very driven to get to his Marshall, mixing board and recording equipment. He had a lot of ideas brewing and wanted to get them recorded. I was impressed with his focus and desire to get back to his passion. He had quite an assortment of lyrics from the last 3 months and the music was in his head, so he just zipped downstairs and got to work.

I was pleased to see him go to bed on his own at decent times, eating well and choosing to spend quality time with each family member. (even though I knew he was hearing the clock ticking and probably wanted to be in the basement working instead)

The first night Jake, lead singer, came over for dinner and spent a few hours with B working on songs. Then B told Jake he didn't want him to play bass anymore but focus on his instrument, his voice. They decided Jake would just play back-up guitar. All seemed good. After Jake left B called Jimi, bass player, in New Zealand and chatted up with him a bit. By that time B was exhausted and went to bed.

The next day B tells me he now told Jake that he doesn't want him to play guitar either. This decision I'm concerned with. I'm sure Jake is upset, he told B "I don't know what the hell you want so I hope you find it." Jake is B's social support and B will greatly need that when he comes home. B told me he had a vision of how he wants his songs to sound and Jake keeps trying to change them. To the point of offering to "finish" a song B started. That didn't go over very well.

I told B if he felt that way it was fine but he should have waited until he got back home, established himself again with his friends and then maybe threw out how he felt. Jake is a great person and positive influence on B. Jake has been extremely supportive of B and I'd hate to see B lose that.

So basically,B ended up coming home for 4 days, telling Jake he didn't want him to be a part of the creating process, just sing what everyone else creates. Leaves. Comes back in a week and expects Jake to be his buddy and help get him re interrogated socially. Hmmm, I don't see this going over well. I'm sure I'll write more about that later as the events unfold.

The rest of the days were filled with music, meals and good conversations. The sweetest part in my opinion was when B spent a few hours with T coloring. He made a cute picture of himself and her, similar to the homemade card he sent her. She was so excited about him being home. The joy on her face when he spent that time with her was priceless. Lots of hugs were floating around.

It was difficult to get everyone their time with B because of all the phone calls and everyone wanting to spend time with him. That caused some stress. At least he knows he's loved.

He took two of M's drum lessons and got a lesson in with his guitar teacher. I know that thrilled him.

B was expected to leave on Thursday. When we got to the airport he started getting very restless. He ended up having enough anxiety that he couldn't fly. We rescheduled everything for the next day and had a prescription for anxiety called in.

On Friday we tried again, and all went well.

I just did a flight status and he has landed in Houston safe and sound.

At this point in my post I got tired and went to bed...

So anyway, the extra night B stayed I fell asleep while watching a movie with him and T. I was woken at 4 a.m. with him having an anxiety attack. I said did you take your medicine before you went to bed? He says, "No!" So I gave him his medicine and spent the next 2 hours helping him work though this anxiety. Anyone who has had anxiety attacks knows this is quite a stressful situation. I couldn't believe I fell asleep without giving his medicine and I was stunned to hear he didn't take it on his own.

So I took him to the basement to so he could play his guitar because I know that soothes him and will preoccupy his mind. Which worked for the time being. Then he tells me, "I haven't gone to bed yet" OMG!! Here he was going to bed each night earlier than I was making him and the one time I fall asleep before him he stays up all night and doesn't take his meds! This is not good!

After playing guitar he got restless again so I had him breath into a bag to slow his breathing down. In time I convinced him to lay down and I rubbed his feet for about an hour. He finally fell asleep. Leaving me exhausted.

I got M and T up to get ready for school. Got them off. And called to report the evenings events.

Good did come from it all because it made B realize he shouldn't miss his meds even once. It made me more aware of it also. I realized I'd rather have him take his meds two hours early ( before I fall asleep) verses leaving it up to him once I go to bed. And I think an alarm clock in the kitchen will help for a reminder also.

I was given advice that it would be good for B to wear a watch that has an alarm on it. I thought that was a fantastic idea but B says he doesn't like wearing watches. I say who cares! You do what you gotta do. I think I shouldn't be the primary one reminding B. I think I should be the backup for rare times he forgets. I want B to be as independent with this as he can be.

So I'm worried about life right now. You can organize and schedule as much as you want but life just happens unexpectedly sometimes. Something at some point will make us forget something we have to do. And, this is a situation where we can't forget. That scares me. I'm already thinking... hmm, maybe I'll put extra meds in my purse and the car. I don't know what situation could come up where that could be helpful but I want to make sure they are available at any time for any reason.

B was going to be coming home for good on Wed. I have a feeling they may think he isn't quite ready yet after that last night here. I just don't know. I know his anxiety medicine isn't working the best for him and they are going to have to adjust that and it takes time to make sure meds are stabilized and working.

So, I sit again in limbo wondering when my son can come home, begin his life again and be a part of ours.

2005-12-09T17:06:00.000-06:00

Sibling love? How perfectly planned for the camera... and cute.

2005-12-09T17:03:00.000-06:00

M buried in leaves.

2005-12-09T17:02:00.000-06:00

T buried in leaves

2005-12-04T18:50:00.000-06:00

Things are getting pretty exciting around here. People are buzzing all over the place getting ready for B to come home. Everyone's energy is over the top. Meghan and Jake are cleaning the studio. I cleaned his bedroom. Now I'm making spaghetti because that was his homecoming meal request. We are all so excited!

His bedroom is completely spotless. ( aside from the mass amount of carpet stains he's acquired in the last year) I couldn't even explain how messy it was. Things I couldn't identify were gabaged immediately. ( I made that up because it sounded good) ha! Seriously, his room was so bad. And everything down to his closet is nicely organized now. Has anyone ever seen 10 pair of jeans nicely hung together in a closet? It's a beautiful site. lol A friend of mine suggested that I don't pick it up too much because it might not feel like his room so I guess I'll have to go up there and throw a few things around on the floor.

When Jake first came over today he walked down the hall and said, "God, it's so nice to be here again." That was nice to hear. I'm glad B's friends are so comfortable here. I was thinking, "No kidding, this house is a drag without you guys coming and going.

For me part of the excitement is seeing the approach of things getting back to normal again. The last three months were insane, unfamiliar and gloomy.

Either way, I'm friggin excited and happy as can be!

Back to the spaghetti making...

2005-12-03T10:51:00.000-06:00

I had a huge post written last night. My Java has been not working and midway through something came up on my computer and made my aol shut down. Losing my post. AURGG! Oh well, just my ramblings as usual. Until next time I get in one of those moods I'll just post the song that is on my mind.

Two days and B comes home! One of my happiest moments Monday, aside from when I first see him, will be when he falls asleep and I go check on him in his room and I see him sleeping in his own bed. That is what will give me a peaceful rest that evening.

HOMEWARD BOUND

I’m sitting in the railway station.
Got a ticket for my destination.
On a tour of one-night stands my suitcase and guitar in hand.
And every stop is neatly planned for a poet and a one-man band.

Homeward Bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward Bound,
Home where my thought’s escaping,
Home where my music’s playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.

Every day’s an endless stream
Of cigarettes and magazines.
And each town looks the same to me, the movies and the factories
And every stranger’s face I see reminds me that I long to be,

Homeward Bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward Bound,
Home where my thought’s escaping,
Home where my music’s playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.

Tonight I’ll sing my songs again,
I’ll play the game and pretend.
But all my words come back to me in shades of mediocrity
Like emptiness in harmony I need someone to comfort me.

Homeward Bound,
I wish I was,
Homeward Bound,
Home where my thought’s escaping,
Home where my music’s playing,
Home where my love lies waiting
Silently for me.

Silently for me.

SIMON AND GARFUNKEL

2005-11-29T00:30:00.000-06:00

B is coming home for a visit Monday Dec.5th to Thursday Dec.8th

2005-11-27T16:33:00.000-06:00

Do you ever find yourself being one way around someone and different way around someone else? I most certainly do. Why is that?

(I will take two people I know well and give an idea of how I feel around each of those people. The first, I feel like I'm beautiful. I'm amazing. ( not sure why but I don't question, I just believe) It's cool that I can dance. I'm sweet. I'm sexy. I'm great to be with. I'm intriguing. I'm smart. I'm unique. The second, I'm a liar, I'm not worthy of being respected. I'm selfish. I use people. I'm an Indian giver. And bla bla bla a bunch of other things) I feel exactly like each of those people around those people. )By the way, person number two is a jack-a-lope. heh

My thoughts...

For myself I feel the way the person around me makes me feel. I suppose that makes me a reactor. I have the ability to be very outgoing or sly even to slowly ease people into my world, the world of me. My humor, my thoughts, my feelings, my ideas, everything that makes me. But, even still overall I am a reactor. I suppose to some degree we all are. And to what degree? What the hell am I talking about you wonder. I'm talking about our vulnerabilities and the level our risk taking goes. And that is what I'm frustrated with right now. And I don't have it figured out in my head so this might not make much sense.

I am talking about that time when you were 14 and you heard someone call you a bad name and whenever you were around that person you felt like you were what that person called you. Or, the times someone told you that you were beautiful and you felt absolutely beautiful whenever that person was present. Or, the time someone told you that you were strong, or weak, or amazing or a liar. It's incredible how someone's words can have such an influence on how you feel around them. Or if it goes far enough that you question yourself. Or if it goes far enough that you believe it when even deep in your heart you know it isn't true. So many lines to cross, so many distances you can go. All vulnerability you expose. And retract, and re expose. I feel like I'm always playing this game of how much do I show? How much do I risk? How much of myself do I give?

Just today I was talking with a 15 year old kid, my son's bass player, he sent me over a new acoustic solo he created with the warning of "how stupid it was". My response to him was, "Isn't it amazing when we create something how insecure we are about it. Even if we know it's good" He said, "God, yes. I do it all the time" I said, "Everytime I write and I choose to share it with someone I have this huge fear race over me. A fear that they will think it's stupid or crazy or they will think differently of me in some way, in some negative way. Only when I get that seal of approval do I then feel okay again." ( clarifying that I do not in any way see my writing as art, just a form that I choose to express myself) He said, "How can that be? I'm only 15 I don't know what is good and what is not. You do. Doesn't your age, your experience tell you" My answer was exactly the topic I'm trying to hit here right now. My answer was this, "No, it's not different. Because many adults ignore their feelings. So if I go deeper than they are comfortable with I become vulnerable to whatever their reaction may be"

Kids are innocent, vulnerable. They don't know better. They don't know many times that they are exposing themselves. That they will be hurt by this at some point, some day, in some way. They fly into experiences and relationships unguarded and open to deep experiences simply by the lack of knowledge. We adults know this fear, and I believe, many of us shut down, ignore certain feelings, become more robotic, our answers are more logistical than emotional. That's why to me children are so precious, the innocent. They are the most real people walking this earth. It's more of the adults I think that have a problem.

So how many times has someone asked you the customary question, "How are you today" And you answered with, "Oh just fine, thank you and you?" Where inside you are screaming TODAY SUCKS. TODAY I FEEL TERRIBLE. IF YOU ONLY REALLY KNEW WHAT WAS GOING ON. I WONDER IF YOU CAN SEE HOW FAKE I'M BEING RIGHT NOW. I HOPE NOT!" Now granted, many of these people you wouldn't/nor should share your problems with. But how many times was it someone you could have and didn't... And you lied. Or, where you could have just said, "I've had better days" and left it up to them to open the door if they are truly interested. Instead you get the robotic answer of "fine and how are you" How often do you lie to protect yourself. To not open certain doors.
Why are so many people fake? Why are so many so scared? Why do so many ignore their own feelings and needs? So many people hide the real them, or sadly enough don't even know who the real them is.

I try and not be like this. Lately I've become this also. And, I have to say I don't like it at all. I hate the feeling. I get very uncomfortable stuffing my feelings. I don't like not telling people what I think. I hate worrying about their reaction. Take me as I am or don't take me... Feels so much better to me. The hiding makes me feel half dead and barely living.

I can see how easy it can be to become like this. You get hurt. You hide and you stay hidden to the point you don't even know yourself anymore, least expect someone else to really know you. And dare attempt a rewarding relationship like this? And you end up living the rest of your life like this.

I refuse to do this. I'm fighting for me again. Because only when I'm really me do I feel like I'm not fighting. I'm free and confident.

But, there are setbacks. I'm still quite vulnerable to go back in my shell. Someone questions me and it's still easy to retreat.

I've become envious of people who are so logical. Their lives seem quite simple. Simple decisions. All the right reasons for things to be the way they are in their lives. But, I have to wonder are they really happy. They seem to ignore their feelings or what makes them really happy to keep their lives simple.

I can't handle that. I need to feel alive. I need to feel like I'm living. And I only feel that way when I'm free to be who I am and being able to say what I need. THEN I'm truly fucking happy. And, for that point I must swear. At least I feel I must swear because when I can yell "I'm so happy" then I don't need the swearing to emphasize it.

But, back to my beginning point. Whatever that was.

I have seen this countless times. Someone doesn't believe in themselves and you take that person and tell them what they are doing is amazing. When you honestly see it. And, at first they brush you off. But you keep going back and telling them not just that what they are doing is amazing but why and how and the details because then they know your words aren't just empty compliments. And they start showing you more stuff. And they suddenly can't wait for you to be around so they can show you more. They know you believe in them. And, what they are doing. Your belief in them becomes their reality. Their dream unfolds in front of them. It's awesome to see. My son will come to me and show me a song he's done and of course the first question is always the same, "What do you think" He needs to know if I see it the same way he does. Or, if I see something better or worse than he does" He needs to know how it's received. Just as we all need that clarification when we are exposing ourselves. I will never lie to him, I will never falsely tell him something is good when I think otherwise. This could get tricky if he truly comes to me with something that straight up stinks. But, it doesn't get tricky because there is nothing that he can bring me that doesn't have some good in it. I will find that good. I will point it out. And I will tell him why that one part is amazing. I will focus on that part. I pay attention, I see through the "other stuff" and I find the good. This encourages him. And he believes in himself just a little more. Every song brings a little more confidence this way.

So when someone seems to notice the variety of good in me and overlook or understand the character flaws I'm going to feel wonderful around this person. Now if it's the other way around I will feel like the biggest piece of garbage whenever I'm around this person.

Does this all tie together. Life ties together. And what I'm talking about is life and our interactions with each other.

I'm frustrated today, and many past days on why I don't open up like I used to. And, why is it is hard for others to open up. There is so much judgment out there. And not enough acceptance and encouragement. I can't stress this enough ENCOURANGMENT.

I realize I need to find this sort of person for my intimate life. And, that is where I hit a brick wall. I've found the friends that understand me, love me and accept me for whatever I bring to the table and whatever time I happen to bring it. So on a deeper level I crave this sort of relationship. But, even in my everyday life I watch how people interact and it just makes me wonder if they know how closed off they are, and if they know who they are, and if they know what they really want in life and have the guts to go find it.

What's my point. I don't know. I'm too tired to care at this point. Be character builders for everyone you encounter. And most of all be that for yourself.

That is what is on my cranky mind tonight.

"The Sounds Of Silence" Simon And Garfunkel

2005-11-27T04:04:00.000-06:00

Talk about a good kick in the arse! A book report. Ha! That made me go back to my last post and about fall off my chair laughing. Hmm, I didn't see it as such when I wrote it but some people know me too well. Nail on the head. Yes, I was "hiding" and reporting. Busted. I will tell you I didn't leave one side dish out either! LOL

This comment prompted me to reread my post and zip over to my creating template and go to town. ( the attitude of if you REALLY want to know what's on my mind... Here it is) I threw out my longest blog entry in roughly 15 minutes. Who knows how long it took it felt like 5 minutes because I was typing so fast. Not thinking and just throwing out what came to my mind. All the while being fully aware that my text did not fit together well, my points did not roll smoothly from one to the other. And, until I read it when I'm done am wondering if any of it even makes sense. But, who cares. I was being real. And it took being called on by a friend to keep me real.

I just reread what I typed and it's not all about "feelings" I can't even say what it is all about. I flow from one topic to another without tying the two together. I usually try to wrap my blogs up or have a point or my idea of a possible answer. I don't this time and don't care. I'm frustrated and annoyed. With myself and others around me.

I'm quite sure this is displaced emotion but that's the reason for this blog at this time for me to think, ponder, release, redirect and get to the point of not having displaced emotion and being in touch and real with myself. So right now I'll post what I typed in rough form because it is what it is. Maybe tomorrow I'll recant and remove it. I am tired right now and not thinking clearly. LOL But, what will not be removed is my Thank You.

2005-11-26T12:43:00.000-06:00

I'm hopeful everyone had a Happy Thanksgiving. I hosted Thanksgiving and it turned out nice. I made an apple, cherry and pumpkin pie. I also made cranberry bread, bean almondine,walnut glazed carrots,mashed potatoes, seven layer salad,dinner rolls, brushetta, deviled eggs, tequila lime shrimp and 20 lb. Turkey. My mom makes the stuffing every year because no one can make it like she does. I have the most fun making the turkey. I gave it a brining bath for 24 hours prior to cooking. This year I injected it with special flavored juices. It turned out excellent. In preparing this meal I can't help but to think how insane it is to make such a feast but it's fun because I enjoy entertaining and making things as nice as I possibly can.

There were no major injuries, thank gawd. Last year T fell doing a cartwheel and busted open her chin leaving 6 stitches. This year we escaped with only a burn to my hand from pulling the turkey out to baste it.

B is doing very well. I talked to him the day before and on Thanksgiving. He is so ready to come home. They are speaking of sending him home the first week of January. He's full of conversation about how he should come home for Christmas break. He feels he has learned what he can and now he's just being stalled. I personally think the majority of his time there now will be him just being angry and resenting being there. It will be an interesting week debating this issue. But, he sounds great, he's very outgoing in his conversations and it's great to hear him so healthy. Our other debate is trying to figure out which school would be best for him. My next month will be so busy, making sure everything is set up for him at home, school and therapy. Oh yes, and Christmas is right around the corner!

I can't wait for B to be home. It's been amazing to me how different this house is without him here. He brings a lot of life and laughs to this house. The lack of music floating in the air alone is a constant reminder of his absence. It will be nice to hear the music again. Well, at least the acoustical sounds. LOL

Today I'm going to start working on the studio in the basement. The goal is to organize, paint, properly set up soundproofing and put up a ton of new band pictures. I have 3 huge mosaic pictures of Kurt Cobain, Bob Marley and Jimi Hendrix which will be the focal points. I wanted one so badly of Lennon but the mosaic they had of him wasn't very good. B spends a lot of time down there so I'd like to have it be a bit more cheery than it is right now.

On with the day.

2005-11-22T15:00:00.000-06:00

I really enjoyed the comments made in regard to my "hope" entry. Thank you for posting those. Always keep me thinking.

"the picture of the forest moves me to feel happy if I notice the sunlight"
I think the most important word in that statement is "if". Because sometimes you need to be active in your hope. You need to choose to see it. I really liked that point. "If" you are willing to see the light. Many times I have to think for awhile to find it because I do seek to see the light throughout my life.

That's part of why the last few months have been so incredibly hard for me. No matter which angle I viewed I just couldn't find something positive in it. Now I can and it's nice to be comfortable with myself again.

"(When)My hope is simply gone.I am able to find endless quantities of hope for others. I wonder if that's a disfunction..."
Could that be the depression that comes along with it, usually right after the loss of hope?

I think it's really important to understand these sorts of things, how we individually function and how we are affected by various things. What makes us tick? If we know when the time is wrong we can correct it. For myself, when I understand something I can usually work with it better and apply it accordingly.

"When I have no hope, I am in the shadows and do not want to see the sun. It is too bright. It hurts. It wounds. External stimulation is overwhelming and unwelcome."
That explains me well when I'm in a funk. Something I am trying to get away from because I wasn't always like that.

For the majority of my life I would go to friends and family when I needed them the most. I struggle with not wanting to bother people with my problems. I notice since my last relationship I tend to shut them out when I need them most. It's easier for me to be there for someone else than let them be there for me. This is a huge issue for me lately. Letting people in. Especially new people that I don't know. I seem to have gone from one extreme to the next.

I feel different in some way, many ways. I don't like it. I was always comfortable with who I was and how I was. I'm not anymore because I'm so guarded that I don't recognize myself. It's all based on trust. The different me. Newbies are not welcomed. Did I have blind faith before and was just shocked when reasons for distrust came? Or, is it really about feeling like it's practically impossible to find someone that you truly completely trust?

Right at the beginning can you trust? My experience for a good part of my life would say yes. My experience in the last 10 years, ah no. My heart just can't take it. So frickin cliche. But here I am. I always had so much faith in people and I've lost a good part of that. How do I get that back? Blindly trust and take the chance? Slowly let people in? That is the ticket. And, know when to bail! lol I don't think I'm good at knowing the proper balance with slowly letting someone in. I either have a welcome mat laid out letting them in without question or shut them out before they even have a chance. I could get a few years of therapy to make it better, or I could just meet a really nice trusting sincere guy to prove me wrong. I want the easy way out, where's the guy to prove me wrong? LOL

But, seriously you always see those little cute candles or plaques that say... HOPE-TRUST-LOVE-PEACE I actually have two of these candles in japanese myself. I would like to get to the point of seeing those words and a smile naturally forms on my face instead of hiding those candles behind a hoard of clothes so I can't see them. I think I need to pay more attention to those words and start with giving those words a chance again. A good place to start I guess.

I have been throwing around the idea of going to school for nursing and/or psychology. For one, I need to go to school eventually. Secondly, if my son ever needs future care I would like to have some sense of knowledge about it. There's a part of me that feels very uncomfortable saying this. I more picture myself being a philanthropist but unfortuantely I don't have the funds to donate and just running around loving the world and trying to make it better won't make people start throwing pay checks at me. But, some sort of philanthropist work would really make me happy. The one thing I have always known since I was little is I "have" to do something that makes me feel like I've made a difference. It doesn't have to be huge but A difference. So I'm still a bit unsure.

Regrets. I can't get caught up in the regrets or I lose today. I have to remember that.

This blog is bringing me back closer to me. I want me back. I really do like me.

Healing powers of music.

Right on sister! When I read that I instantly remembered all these times of you singing. It made me miss you. Get your arse here for a weekend visit! I know you were planning to and I wasn't ready. I'm ready! I'm ready! It would be great to see you. I miss the yearly ritual weekend of lounging, talking and no bras for complete comfort. Did we have other rules? I don't remember.

Dang, maybe you can teach B a few things about singing! He's a sponge with that sort of thing, wants to learn as much as he can. As I remember, you are pretty good.

Also expect a call from me next Wed. at 8:30 a.m. Darcie. Love ya!

And remember..."Everyone is in the sunlight"

2005-11-21T15:40:00.000-06:00

Why B is so cool. Handmade Birthday Card.

2005-11-17T10:10:00.000-06:00

It annoys me that I can't make my symbol picture of hope larger. It deserves to be half the size of this blog. ( I'm still learning how to make pictures the way I want them)

Hope is so important. I don't think about hope much. I use it daily but always have referred to it as a certain perspective. Same thing if your using perspective to the best of it's nature. But I like the term hope because it defines the feeling better.

Even John Lennon credits hope for his innermost happiness and sobriety. ( You know I'm going to get Lennon in here whenever I can)

~ "The only time we took drugs was when we were without hope and the only way we got out of it was with hope and if we can sustain the hope then we don't need drugs, liquor or anything. But if we lose hope, what can you do? What is there to do?" - John Lennon

Last night I was talking with a friend and he said that he felt souless when he was younger and that I gave him hope and to this day I give him hope. I don't think I could ask to give a friend something better than that. To know that I could give someone something so important was wonderful to know. What I'd like to say to this friend is this...

I think you had a sense of hope. In even having the ability to trust me you had hope. Don't you think?

I think it's interesting that I was just credited for something that I very recently struggled to acquire myself. But isn't that hope in itself? What you do not have, you can have. What you have lost, you can find. The unknown can be discovered. The disappointing can change or create something new that's positive.

What holds us back? I know for myself it's usually fear. Too scared to take a risk, to trust and be vulnerable. It is in this vulnerable state that I actually discover the most about myself, life, love and possibilities. Hence, hope. I came to understand hope better by the absence of it. I guess I didn't realize I probably had it most of my life without a thought to it.

I picked that picture as my "symbol of hope" for a reason. Without hope everything feels dark, bleak and endless. Emerging from that to feeling hope is exactly what I see in the picture. Darkness still has the possibility of looming over you but there are softer areas and in other areas you can actually see the radiant light shine through those troubled spots. You can actually see what is behind the gloom... Hope.

Life is beautiful. In the simplest form to the deepest. From the way a wave ripples in harmony in the lake, to the ability of creating a life. It's all beautiful if you are willing to see it. One of my favorite moments is when I suddenly discover "again" to enjoy the simple things. I often forget. Suddenly, a breeze that I previously ignored feels amazing on my skin and takes my breath away with it's warmth filling me with complete peace and serenity. Taking the time to see that good. Find those moments and you'll start seeing the world around you differently.

Hope is the love of life in my opinion.

In a few days I may feel negative and see more of the ugly, we all know it's there too, but I will always come back to the moments of inner peace.

My next topic of thoughts...

Someone commented to me that I seem to use music to soothe me. Excellent observation. ;-) Then it was said that they like music to uplift them, put them in a good mood. I use music for that reason also. I actually use music for everything. LOL But, I think the point being made was... When you are in a down mood why listen to music that makes you feel down? Why not put in something that is going to cheer you up? This made me think...

I think that idea is great for those "cranky" moods. The light ornery times. But, when I am in a deeper sadness about something I want to be able to understand that feeling. Why I have it. What to do with it. What I can do about it. What will change it. The feeling almost needs to flow through me. I need to "experience" it in able to get over it. Music is a great tool for me to do that with. Once that feeling has gone completely through me I won't be back in that place ever again. It's over. And I'm onto the next phase which is usually acceptance. You need to feel the pain so you aren't feeling it in bits later on in your life. And, those are my thoughts on that. Anyway, who the heck hasn't been heartbroken and gravitates towards every stinkin sad song on the radio and think poor me wahhhhhaaaaaaahhaaa. LOL Well, if you guys haven't ever been there then, umm, well, yeah, me either!!

Oh, and when you are playing music to pull you from those cranky ornery moods what music is the best to throw in? THE VIOLENT FEMMES,of course! hehe

Well, anyway. Today is good. My toilet seat cover is warm. :-)

2005-11-14T14:11:00.000-06:00

What hope feels like.

2005-11-14T09:21:00.000-06:00

Today I have something that I haven't had in months. Hope. It's feels wonderful.

2005-11-12T12:03:00.000-06:00

I had a surprise phone call around midnight last night. A dear old friend that I haven't seen in awhile called. Normally I'd be less than thrilled at getting a midnight call to hang out but he's a musician so I understand his lifestyle. His ongoing joke is "I never rise before the break of noon". Considering that I thought he was in Vegas I was thrilled to see him.

Neither of us wanted to go out so Chris and I hung out at my house and talked for about an hour and a half. We listened to a few songs he's recording that aren't finished yet. Then we watched "Sid and Nancy" which took us into the wee hours of the morning. Sid and Nancy is the story of Sid Vicious from the Sex Pistols and his girlfriend Nancy.

My close friends seem to check in with me at a time of need. Most of my lifelong friends live across the nation. I don't know how they manage to have such good timing with these things. I've always thought that was bizarre how I won't see someone for a year and the moment my life gets pretty rough they magically appear. A little miracle I'm always appreciative of.

To say the least I am tired today! I just got done making grilled peanut butter, jelly and marshmallow sandwiches. (another delight from Emerils kids cookbook) Now I'm boiling eggs because Trinity's other pick was egg salad sandwiches. Which I need to spice up a bit by adding pita bread and toasted sunflower seeds.

I still have headaches. Going on 8 days now of them. I really dread the idea of going to the doctor but that might need to happen if these headaches are still going on by Monday.

I'm looking forward to my phone call tomorrow morning with Brandon. I'm curious how he sounds and the things he chooses to talk about now that he's been on this medication for awhile. Last Wed. was really tough because he had to tell me what his issues are and it took 45 minutes of silence for him to actually speak the words. He feels shame and fear of things changing. Things I'm not sure how to handle with him quite yet.

Usually when something is rough I can find the positive in even the worst of situations and use it as a growing experience. I'm unable to do that with this one. So I feel lost and helpless myself. I hope in educating myself I can have a more positive attitude but right now I just can't imagine what the hell is possibly positive about this. I don't think anyone deserves a "growing experience" like this. For the first time in my years with Brandon I fear questions he may ask of me. Questions I can't answer or guidance I can't give. I'm still struggling with denial myself, something I can't let Brandon know. I guess for now I just have to focus on helping him to realize this wasn't his fault in anyway. What a feeble attempt of support. I want and need to be able to give him more than that. That "strong" support really feels pathetic right now.

I wonder if I'm reduced to that. Just being grateful that he isn't dying. I mean, usually when something sucks I think "hey, this didn't happen or that didn't happen. It could be worse. Be grateful THAT what you read in the paper didn't happen to you" And the only thing I can think of which would be worse would be death. And that reality alone makes me realize how serious this is. Then I think, "what the hell, this isn't real, this isn't happening and they don't know what they are talking about" I want slip back into denial then.

Someone said to me the other day, "Would Brandon be any different if he lost a leg" Ah, NO! And this isn't even comparable to losing a leg. At this point who cares about a missing leg? I said I'd rather lose both my legs and arms then deal with what Brandon is dealing with right now. It's so easy to say stuff like that when it's not happening to you.

After panicking like I just was I think to myself... Calm down! For all I know Brandon could take his meds and be perfectly fine the rest of his life. I am realizing what is driving me crazy is the great unknown. I don't know what to expect. Plus, I don't know to what degree he has this disease. From the sound of it it's on the milder scale. But, I just don't really know.

I don't even want to write anymore. I am so uncomfortable feeling so negative. I'm really struggling with my comfort of always thinking of the positive and coming out ahead of something negative. Being this way is not comfortable for me.

A friend said to me the other day, "You are the strongest woman I know, you always have been" I've been told that many times but you know what? Sometimes I don't want to be strong. Sometimes I need someone to carry me and tell me it's going to be alright. When you feel like you always have to be strong it makes you weaker inside sometimes because you ignore your needs to cry, mourn... Just buck up and be strong. Maybe I need to guard down and let someone take care of me for once.

"I've got soul but I'm not a soldier"- The Killers

2005-11-11T21:35:00.000-06:00

Today was nice. Meghan had a friend sleep over. I made my cinnamon and vanilla French toast with hot chocolate. I don't mind cooking but what's with all the dirty dishes? It took me longer to clean up than to make the stuff.

The kids played in the leaves.

Then I took Meghan to get her hair cut and colored. It turned out pretty nice. She is taking part in a fashion show tomorrow.

While Meghan was getting her hair done Trinity and I went grocery shopping. Two hours later we emerged from the store.

Trinity planned a dinner for us from her Emeril kid's version cookbook. She picked spaghetti pie and chocolate covered strawberries. It was neat to see how proud she was of "her" dinner. Instead of the usual "BAM" of spices we used "BABY BAM" And it was pretty darn good! I was impressed.

We never got to the chocolate strawberries because after dinner we went to ToysRus and Trinity got that dealie that you see on TV that puts colored streaks in your hair. It's a pretty cool little gadget. So she's hanging out right now watching cartoons with bold red streaks in her hair.

I'm so tired I can't even think so I'll lounge with Trinity a bit and call it an early night.

Sweet dreams all.

2005-11-10T10:11:00.000-06:00

Good Morning

I thought I'd write a bit while I'm waiting for my bacon and ( peppered ;-) ) eggs to cook.

I wanted to make a point of writing something in this everyday but I'm finding that isn't always easy to do. Sometimes, you just have to be in the mood.

I'm listening to Jack Johnson "In Between Dreams" right now. I highly recommend it. It's primarily acoustic mellow sweet music. I love the mood it creates for me.

I also recommend thick sliced hickory smoked bacon! IT ROCKS. (hillshire farm if you are interested for real.) LOL

I'm back in service with my washing machine. Yeah! I already washed my sheet and two blankets. I'm running out of things to wash. The cats are starting to look like good subjects.

My other recommendation is Downey "fresh scent" wrinkle guard. SINCE THE SECRET IS OUT as to why I smell so good.

Forget those expensive perfumes ladies I guess this stuff works just as well. Who would have known.

BUT, I am suspecting that they have stopped selling it. So for my friends across the miles if you find Downey "fresh scent" wrinkle guard SCORE FOR ME, PLEASE. Christmas present? I don't care. I'm desperate.

Good news on Brandon. He's eating again, is med compliant and responding well to treatment. Now I can start eating again and maybe shed this 5 day headache I have been sporting.

They also said they think he "should" see Jimi. So I'm so happy for him. We aren't going to tell him until a week before Jimi comes otherwise it's probably all he'll think about.

I watched John Lennon's imagine the other night. I've seen it a zillion times, I even own the movie but it still chokes me up at the ending. So I'm sitting there close to tears 25 years after it happened and the movie shows thousands of people in Central Park crying and I think "If you could count tears how many would have fallen for John Lennon" So that's the title of my song/poem "If you could count tears"
LMAO yeah um not sure where that came from but I'm trying to turn it into something. I have about 10 lines so far. With plans of giving to Brandon and seeing if he can/wants to turn it into a song. Every once in awhile I get a creative spark unfortunately my moment may be over before I finish it. heh We shall see.

I will probably make a tribute page to Lennon since everyone knows I'm obsessed with John Lennon. Lennon and I would have gotten along famously. :-)

Today I have this urge to find my John Lennon move to a little simple cabin and live a simple life. Who knows, tomorrow I might want to be rich.

2005-11-07T23:02:00.000-06:00

My posts for awhile will probably have a lot of stuff about Brandon because he is consuming my thoughts lately. When I talk about him he feels closer to me.

Today is quite possibly a good day for Brandon without him even knowning it.

Brandon's best friend Jimi moved to New Zealand this summer. For those of you that don't know, Jimi was Brandon's bass player. This has put Brandon in quite a funk. He's been depressed since the move. I just got word from Jimi that he's coming home Dec. 14 to Jan. 26.

This poses a complicated situation. I have no idea when Brandon will be home. Brandon will go ballistic if he hears that Jimi is home for a visit and he can't see him and will obviously feel very betrayed if no one tells him. But Jimi leaving was such a fragile situation for Brandon I'm worried that this will really distract Brandon and setback his treatment. I told Jimi that if Brandon can't come home for a visit during Jimi's stay and if they allow it I will bring Jimi with me to Houston to visit Brandon. I'll have to rent a hall or something so they can jam for 5 days straight. Otherwise, we'd get kicked out of the hotel room. LOL I'm very excited to bring Brandon such good news but it also worries me greatly. This is where input from the counselor will be helpful.

I can't help but picture not telling Brandon and just showing up with Jimi and seeing the look on Brandon's face. I couldn't give the kid a better Christmas present in my lifetime. But, then we have to deal with Jimi leaving again. :-(

If Brandon was doing well it wouldn't be such a ordeal to organize visits but Brandon still isn't eating and it's been 9 days of this. When asked why he won't eat all we hear is, "I don't know." I'm too scared to ask how much weight he's lost. And there are already threats of a tube going down his throat if he doesn't start eating.

I'm not sure why I'm doing okay these past few days. I've been sick but I've been handling things pretty well. It's been a few days since I've cried. Before it was a few times a day heavy tears came. I know I'm not done crying but at least I feel like I can control it better. Last night with Brandon's old friends I did warn them that I might cry talking about him. They said that was okay and that they had a few rough months too. I only had one moment where I almost started but I was able to control it. It's incredible how those little healing signs mean so much when you've been reduced feeling destitute. That alone makes me feel so much better and stronger. I was getting scared before because I couldn't go anywhere without something reminding me and making me cry. I knew I couldn't keep functioning the way I was for the last few weeks. I'm sure I'll still have my moments but it's better and that's all I can ask for right now.

Medical records were reviewed today and there is confirmation of a certain gene connection on his father's side that can explain a great deal of this. A setback in my mind. I've been praying for a misdiagnosis and I can't pray for that anymore. Now it's time to move forward and focus on recovery. I'm sure the clinic will be pleased to not have to answer my doubtful questions anymore. The next step for me is searching for support groups because I definitely need one! I'm not ready to do that yet. I'm not ready to hear of new worries I haven't thought of yet that can be tied with this illness. I'm comfortable right now in this detached state.

It's amazing to me how the body and brain works when you are under a great deal of grief. It's really very interesting. Your body will actually decide it can't handle any more and just shut down for awhile for you.

Emotions like fear or sadness cause the release of adrenaline into your bloodstream. That shuts down many body functions so you can focus on handling your crisis. Your body will prioritize functions, handing the most critical and delaying some regular functions that are not life threatening at the time. During the crisis digestion and other regular body functions may stop. I think it stops your emotions when they are too intense also.

The numbness feels peaceful and overdue but I trust that it will all come and be dealt with when time is right. I can sense it because I feel so much better than I did before. And I was doubting if that was possible.

So this blog is starting to work for me. I am not trying to entertain the reader but moreso write for myself and vent. Not caring if it's interesting or not. :-)

Yay, thanks David!

I'm still sick but today it wasn't as bad as the last few days. I wonder if I'm sick because of the body shutting down. I can tell my body isn't operating like it should be. And it's irritated at something. lol

For the first time in weeks I look forward to tomorrow.

2005-11-07T18:56:00.000-06:00

B and I in Houston

2005-11-07T13:38:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone

I have no idea who everyone is since no one knows of this blogs existence. Well, for future "bloggers" Welcome to my Realm. Fasten your seatbelts since it's No Holds Barred from here on out.

I plan on treating this "blog" (very funny word to me) as a diary of sorts, a venting ground, my place to release and regain the sanity. And, if my friends are interested... A way for them to know me better.

For me I find these blogs quite narcissistic. Even now as I type I wonder who the hell is going to be so interested in hearing me ramble about my woes, joys and the utter confusion my lovely little mind creates for itself. We shall see.

My friend David turned me onto this "blogging" because I have a lot going on in my life right now and I've always been one to feel healthier if I write.

Writing makes me feel in touch with myself. When I write I discover my true inner feelings which gives me a sense of self and ultimately I become one with my goal... Confidence in what I believe, think and want. More importantly it helps me to vent some of the energy I have for being passionate about everything I encounter. Which can make you mad with insanity if you don't get it out. My own cosmos. If you don't understand what I just said your left minded... LOL... And that's okay. I don't know if I'll achieve that here as I sense possible future eyes but I'll do my best.

One thing I'd like to say is if you take the time to read this stuff then you better comment! I'll start feeling weird if I bear my soul and I don't even get feedback! That's the ticket to admission... Feedback. :-) Actually, I just am narcissistic myself and want to hear what you folks have to say about ME. heh

Okay, here's my day today.

I slept in until 10a.m.! I didn't get extra sleep because I went to bed very late last night but even the fact that I COULD sleep until my clock said 10a.m. was nice.

I ( you guys are really going to see how boring my life is now haha) went to find something to wash. I've been enjoying doing laundry lately and am actually looking for things to wash. So I grabbed a quilt and then find that I did so much wash lately that I broke the spinner dealie on my washer! No spin. If the repair men were cute I wouldn't mind so much but why are they always those old bald watermelon bellied guys that come to do service at your home?

I then looked at my backyard because someone who is very sweet mowed my yard for me. That made me smile. And I'd like to add he IS cute. Watching him mow was fun.

Later in the day I went to purchase the John Lennon Box set for my son. Which he's going to love and I'm really excited about. I also bought a Bob Dylan and a Cracker CD. I called my son. My phone call with him today was nice. Aside from him telling me I have the power to bring him home and he would like that to happen. I don't think he'll ever know or be able to imagine how much stress I'm under and how much my heart is breaking for him. My good friends know and to all of you... Thank you for being there for me during this part of my life that is a segment of hell.

At some point today I started feeling quite ill. So I decided to take a nap. Then my daughter came home waking me up and then the doorbell rang. I looked like hell and was quite embarrassed because it was someone I do like to look good for. :-) Short visit, then Meghan and I went to my mother's house. There feeling sick got worse. I started blacking out. I sat for awhile with my head down to try and make it go away. Then I came home and went to bed again. The doorbell rang again! (I guess it wasn't my day to sleep) It was a nice surprise though. A few of my son's old friends, Nick and Danny, came over to, well, I don't quite know why. Maybe to check on me, see how Brandon was doing, a part of me felt like they wanted to just connect with something related to Brandon. I notice quite a few of his friends do that. They miss him and so they call me or come over. I do the same to them. It's nice to talk to someone who misses him as much as I. And miss the same things about him as I do.

It was so nice to see these kids as they always felt like my kids too. It was so weird to have them DRIVE to my house. So we sat for about an hour and talked about how cool Brandon was, how sad things were and old funny stories. They told me about how a football teammate died just awhile ago and how they have had a bad few months too. I said, "Wouldn't it be nice if we could just go to LazerQuest and make it all better that used to work when we were sad" I would often take all the boys to LazerQuest if they lost a basketball game because they would get so stinkin depressed about it. LOL Problems were so easy to fix when they were little.

B will be so happy to know they are thinking about him. And I have a message to tell Brandon that he needs to call them right when he gets back. And I'm personally thrilled about that because these are good boys and Brandon will need the support when he comes back home.

There was a part of me that was so sad when they were standing in my kitchen. My mind often does this sort of thing to me. I started thinking about how big they were and the time that has passed and now we barely see them and Brandon is 1200 miles away struggling terribly. Who would know. When things are so good and happy you never think it will change. Life is always changing things on us. And I don't adjust to change well!!! I hate this right now, I hate where things are at. I hate that my son feels he lost friends he thought he could count on forever. I hate that he hurts right now. I hate that I can't protect him from the pains of life. I feel more of a need to protect B than my other children. Probably because I've always known Brandon has one of those gentle sweet compassionate souls that is older than his life years but still in infancy with vulnerability. He thinks everyone is like him, trust the world and then feel betrayed, scorned and shocked when he discovers the world isn't as beautiful as his heart is. Innocence just died and part of him died right along with it. Sorta reminds me of someone else I know. I am beginning to not like it. It's painful. When does the term innocence cruely morph into naiveness?

I haven't written in so long, it's going to take me awhile to make some sense. We hope!

Anyway, back to my visit something healed for me when they came over. I was angry that they weren't there for Brandon and they proved me wrong.

Before they left they showed me B's Zanga because at one time Brandon posted some of songs on it. So later in the evening I opened the Zanga and found this post. "B, I know where you can get the stuff you wanted, call me" I ask Meghan if she has heard of this person's name and it ends up being the 16 year old sister of Meghan's friend! And I know her father quite well. I went to this girls webpage and it's full of pictures of coke, razor blades and pills. So I called her father and told him he might want to check out it out. He was appreciative but the daughter wasn't,obviously. I get a call from the dagger ( she was at her mom's house) and she's the most rude obnoxious girl I've ever heard. Yelling and swearing at me. Wow ( the story is longer but that's a synopsis of it) I just told her it was a parental matter and if B would have oded we would have a more serious issue on our hands and she should think about that before she gets herself in the middle of a situation like that. I probably shouldn't have called but I know her father and I told him I wished someone would have called me 6 months ago and told me about my son.

So that ended the evening on a sour note. And, here I am. Still sick and waiting to get my house toilet papered. LOL

Ciao